10

It had been 10 years yesterday.
It went by unacknowledged by either of us.
I have nothing to show for it, except the one precious arrow in my quiver.

When I was young, I pictured this day being very different. Surrounded by our 4 (or more) kids, celebrated with our friends and family, before going off on a romantic weekend away, just the two of us.

My friends tell me I am brave, I am strong, I am sensible and responsible.
I am none of those things.
Just hopeful.

What went wrong?
Nothing and everything.
It was noone's fault. You can't fault where there is no effort.

Or may be it was mine.
If only I had been more -->insert adjective here<--

I am not sure if there will be a 11. But I know that whatever happens, my Father already knows what my days hold.

What a show!

What a wonderful show the Academy put up this year! The Oscars, always one of my favorite award shows blew me away, and there a quite a few reasons for this.

Hugh Jackman
1) Hugh Jackman hosting. What a guy eh? He is beyond a triple threat. That opening was amazing! And of course, it helps that he is so easy on the eyes. I am sure he was as nervous as anything, but he was so relaxed and confident. I thought he did a great job!

Screenplay
2)I think the way they presented the screenplay awards was fantastic. To introduce the presenters by way of script and then have the script superimposed on the scenes, really helped you see the process.

Acting Awards
3) I love the way they got past winners to present the acting awards. It really made it personal and touching and sweet. Rather than see a clip that is usually unrepresentative of the actor's real skills, it makes so much more sense to be lauded by your coleagues who have been where you are. I thought it a shame that the actors in Best Supporting Actors all knew they didn't have a chance against the Ledger legacy though.

Brown in even more the new black
4) The touch of Bollywood that Slumdog Millionaire brought to this year's show added the much-needed spice to a show that was becoming predictable and staid. Having all those colourful dancers, drummers and singers was really a spectacular way to present the music awards. And the fact A R Rahman won them both is the icing on the cake. His work in cinematic music deserves the recognition it received, although that song, by no means, is his best work. But still, go Tamilan!

The Clothes
5)I love watching all the beautiful clothes that the stars wear and how some of those dresses defy gravity and stay where they are supposed to stay. I also wondered why Penelope Cruz always wears a bridal gown, like she is going to be married right after the award ceremony. I loved Jennifer Aniston's dress, and Taraji Henson's, Angelina's green earrings.

Kudos to the people who produced this year's show. It was imaginative, creative, original and thoroughly enjoyable. Ignore all the nay-sayers and critical snobs - they are just seething because there was nothing worse condemning and they live to condemn.

Better than Silver and Gold

I have the best friends, no question.

I was majorly bummed out by what happened with work on Friday, or rather what had been happening for the last 8 months, and really didn't feel like seeing anyone or being social. I decided to throw myself a pity party, invited all the relevant people (i.e me, myself and I) and locked myself in my rooom, wallowing.

Didn't go to church. Didn't feel like performing for others when my heart was so heavy. Also the headache that started on Friday night was still lurking in my cranium and I was feeling cranky.

Then came a message. Where are you?

Then came two. Come have dinner with us.

Then three. We'll come to you. Just come out and hang.

I turned them all down. It was my party and I'll cry if I want to.

At about 9, I emerged. Tired of my own company, sick of the self-imposed confinement, guilty at abandoning my child for my own selfish gain.

Then they called. We are downstairs. Can we come up?

4 words that make me tear up just recounting them here. They drove all the way to the boondocks just to see someone, who may not even want them there, because they loved her and they cared. 2 young, single people, who could have done so many other things with their Saturday night.

And brought Ben & Jerry's ice cream - the elixit to get rid of all headaches and heartaches. We didn't do anything life-changing - just small talk, watched "The Nanny" and .... let me heal. I take it back - it was life-changing. It touched mine.

Thanks J and A. Your friendship is more precious than silver and gold. And I will treasure it forever.

Glad

Glad that chapter of my life is over and now we can move on. Of course, it's going to take some time to repair the damage left behind, but I think in about 6 months to a year, I can put most of it behind me.

Meanwhile, there are new and exciting projects to look forward.

Like the upcoming charity event.

And the new ideas for a junior series.

And of course the whole idea of managing the workload of 3 people in one fell swoop, while still overlooking what the rest are doing.

It's only just begun.

Ho Ender!

In local patois, I'm happy like a bird.

I finally got my hands on "Ender in exile", Orson Scott Card's latest offering in the Ender series.

Woo hoo!!

I am going to devote my nights and weekends to reading and re-reading this book. I am only at page 65 and have already teared up twice.

For those of you who have never heard of Orson Scott Card or the Ender series, wa lau eh. Why are we still friends?

Bulletin Post

I have decided that on the days I am too lazy to write meandering sentences that wend their way through my subconscious, I will do bulletin posts which basically gives you a quick update of what I am up to. Like a bulletin.

Current Mood: melancoly

Work: Busy like you won't beleive :)

Home: Same old same old

Currently reading: Ender in Exile (Woohoo!! Finally!)

Listening to: Been in a Don McLean kinda mood

Current physical hangup: ingrown toenail on right big toe

Would rather be: sitting at Starbucks, reading

Random things in February

I really like the "Swagga like us" song. It's got a really catchy hook. I went to check out the original "paper planes" and its got a really horrible message, but I think Kanye did something really cool with it.

**

I am currently reading a book called "Good in Bed". No, it's not a manual. Its actually a really good book about a woman who finds out that her boyfriend write in a national publication about the courage it takes to love a larger woman. I.e her.
The book resonated with me somehow, having been a larger woman all my life.
I remember when I was 18 (at my fittest), I was talking to a bunch of friends about some event, and someone said, "It's ain't over till the fat lady sings." And a really dear friend (he still is) turned to me and said, "Nalinee, sing!" And I think it hurt all the more because I never saw myself as fat, just taller and broader and stronger than the other women I know. That's when I first realised, that I can either be comfortable with myself or spend my life wanted to look a different way.

It's taken about 15 years, but I think I finally am there.

**

After being so sure of what I want, I am unsure again. It could just be a hormonal thing. And also it's coupled with other feelings of inadequacy and failure. But I just need to lean in to Him a bit more. It's usually when we start struggling that we need more support, yes?

**

Think I need to get my priorities lined up. I feel like I am spending too much time on non-proftable pursuits and have lost sight of my vision for this year. And its only February!!!

V Day Frenzy

One is looking online for roses.

Another asked me to help him choose lingerie for his wife.

Yet another is swooning in anticipation at what her boyfriend is planning.

And you don't bring me flowers anymore.

Movie Review - Elegy

I had to look up the meaning of elegy, I am not ashamed to admit.

Elegy - poem of mourning; lament for the dead; reflection of something strange or mysterious to the writer.

Given that the movie was based on Philip Roth's "The Dying Animal", it was strange to me that Isabel Coixet would adopt the name Elegy for the film.

But it was. It haunted me for days, this film. Took over my dream life for a while even. It was truly a tale of lament, of how we mourn loss, even when we cause it. And it defies understanding.

Quick Synopsis - David Kapesh was a successful writer/ college professor who is mesmerised by Consuela Castillo, whose relationship with him suddenly renders him insecure, jealous and unsure of what he wants from the relationship. He is plagued by the age difference, her perfect beauty and his fear that she will soon leave him. When she does leave him, he is shattered by her absence.

Ben Kingsley and Penelope Cruz were so believable as a older man- younger woman couple that it almost made me cry. I read so many reviews that talked about how they had no chemistry etc, but that just tells me that they don't have the personal experience. I do, and that's exactly what it's like. There is a degree of aloofness that comes from sheer disbelief that this beautiful, young woman/ mature desirable man chose you and is actually with you. I can't quite explain it, but it does happen.

My favourite scenes though, were not between David and Consuela, but rather David and his best friend George O'Hearn (Dennis Hopper). George is David's long suffering companion, "the Horatio to his third-rate Hamlet", as he so aptly put it. The friendship between the two men, the equality of their intellect, their subtle trust and dependency on each other, and mostly their ability to reveal their innermost fears and weakness to each other struck a chord with me. Seldom do you hear of men sharing that level of intimacy with each other.

The performances of the other characters were brillant, adding the needed layers to the Kingsley character. Patricia Clarkson was amazing as his booty call (or was he hers?), and Peter Sarsgaard as Kapesh's son who had his own demons was a pathetic character you just want to either hug or slap. But brillantly played.

I truly enjoyed this movie, it resonated with me in a way it won't for many. But having had the expeience at least twice in my life, I think Elegy is a true portrayal of the relationships that people feel most vulnerable in.

First Meeting

One of the things that I really enjoy(ed) about my job is the projects that I get involved in for the various departments. I am one of those wierd people who actually enjoy meetings - watching the human interaction, contributing ideas, and generally basking in the creativity that takes place.

Which is why I handled being left out of the loop by my previous boss really badly. Not only did she take me out of the projects and meetings I was involved in, she also did not include me in the new projects, delegating them to the her friends and people she hired.

That really sucked.

Now that she is gone, and they are leaving, I am really looking forward to being part of event planning for the Club and attending meetings again. I really get off on the human-ness of meetings. Sure, I do bellyache about it with everyone else, but secretly, I love it!

Is that strange?

Of course, its even better being involved in meetings in church. Programming meetings are really fun, with all the wacky ideas from the even wackier people flying around. And I can't wait to start my own drama ministry meetings. Ooh, those are gonna be outta this world!

I'm pumped!