Settling In

19 days into 2011 and I finally feel like I am settling in to the year and the routines that it will entail.

I must remember to keep my tri-fold focus for the year.

1) Help Hanan pass his PSLE
2) Improve comms for church
3) Do something about the elephant in the room by end-2011.

As for resolution-y stuff, this is what the list looks like
1) Write to people more. Meaning love notes, poems, prose and proper letter things.
2) Eat at home more.
3) Cab less.

Sounds easy,right? Ha ha. Lets see what this will look like at the half-year mark.

I am very grateful though. Grateful for my job(s). For my friends. For my mum. For the sweet little boy who is fast becoming a man. Still sweet though. And for the God who never witholds anything from me if I ask.

"Seek ye first".

I will, Lord. I will. Help me when I forget.

Stuff and Service

Two things were highlighted to me this weekend.

1. Stuff. We spent waay to much of our life just collecting it. The pursuit of happyness does not equal how much stuff we have, but how many relationships we have blessed by our time and our resources. I was painfully made aware of the fact that this is a principal that must be taught and taught well, because it is in direct opposition to how the world operates. And before I teach it, I must internalise it and live it as well.

2. When you serve in church, it is very easy for the things you do to become about the things you do. I was reminded by a dear friend, S., to remember to bring my service attitude everytime. That what I do is not for me, or even for people, but to glorify my God. When I was in corporate employment, I reminded myself frequently that my job was to make my boss look good. And I think that still applies, if not even more so now.

Making God look good means to bring a servant heart to every aspect of my ministry. And I need to constantly remember that.

A new chapter

October has marked a new chapter in my journey with God where I find myself having to trust Him more than ever for provision, for peace and for sanity.

God, I pray that you will see us through this month with flying colours. That the challenges of exams, work, relationships and even leisure are managed with Your wisdom.

Official Opening

While the church was officially opened over 2000 years ago, my church officially opened its new building last Sunday. We started the service with a glorious rendition the Hallelujah Chorus, with a little poetic license thrown in, in the form of rap, beatboxing, rock and hip hop dance.

It is really great to be part of such a great house of God. As much as I love my personal relationship with Jesus, I really love being part of the family. The way everyone worked together, gave off their hearts, their time and their talents to come together to worship and honour God.

How cool was that?

Weddings and Dedications

Last Saturday was a whirlwind of activity what with my cousin Joe getting married on Saturday and FGA's new building dedication on Sunday morning. Needless to say, I was grateful for the National Day PH to finally get some downtime.

But I digress...

Joe's wedding sermon by Pastor Stanley Wong is what I want to talk about. Unlike the soppy message about love and wonderful memories and children and turtledoves, his message was more like a deterrent to marriage, if you think its about the above.

He said," Marriage is not about happiness; its about holiness".

WHAM! It hit me like a bolt from the blue.

"The more difficult your spouse is, the more opportunity you have to let God work in you and increase your holiness."

WHAM! again.

I am not saying I liked hearing it. I am just saying it said something to me.

Where I have been for the past 3 months

Ever made a really big mistake and then realised that maybe that was just God's way of waking you up to the plans He has for you?

If I have to assign meaning to the last three months, then I think that would be it. Taking the job at [that company] was the wrong thing to do, but I am something right came out of it.

So the plan now is to see how stepping out of the safety of the career-boat is going to change my life. Putting priorities right is the most important thing to do, and yet its amazing how many of us get stuck in the "must have job" rut.

I am totally trusting God for this. Not myself, not my friends, not my connections, only him.

Am excited to see what God's gonna do. I think the last time I said that, was ten years ago.

Surely Goodness and Mercy

In an amazing sermon message today. God reminded me that it was not me that found Him, but Him that found me. And not just found me in a haphazard manner, like how we would would find a pair of black socks tucked in the corner of the drawer. "Oh, there they are! I will just put them with the other half dozen pairs of black socks I own. Now, where are those tan tights?"

Oh,no, the word is "radaph", which is Hebrew for "hunt down and find" and then, after finding, to follow with a doggedness that will not let go.

What a relief! What freedom! That instead of us having to worry about straying, or sticking by God, and the myriad of things we have invented for ourselves to do (Read bible, pray, fast, aargh I forgot, that's it! I have to start over!), God is actually the one who is seeking us out - constantly and commitedly.

What an awesome God!

Surely goodness and mercy will follow (Radaph) me all the days of my life;
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.
Psalm 23:6

How can 2 walk together, except they agree?

This has been the theme recently in almost all aspects of my life - work, marriage, motherhood, daughterhood and friendship.

Being with someone in any relationship will involve being in some kind of agreement about basic things as well as deep spiritual stuff. And when that doesn't exist, what you have is resentment, anger, strife and disappointment.

How to agree?
By being submissive to another's will - this is easier said that done for me. I am known for my mule-like stubborness.

By negotiating a "agree to disagree" scenario - not always ideal and can't have too many of these in a relationship.

Persuasive dialogue - talk someone around to see and accept your point of view (My personal favourite :) heh heh)

By building the basic foundation of the relationship together, so there are agreed upon values which will not flounder when the load on them gets too heavy at times.

I think God uses all of these to build a relationship with us. He submitted to death on the cross to remove the division between us, allowed us to give up some of his laws regarding diet, war and non-beleivers, talked to us through the gentle voice of Jesus Christ and then his disciples to help us see his view and put in place his commandments as a shared set of values for us to enjoy building His kingdom with him.

Agreeing with each other is not as impossible as it looks. As beleivers especially, half the work is already done for us.

What I learnt in the last 5 days

1) God is real.
2) He is my Champion.
3) He is always for me, and because he is, who can be against me?
4) He is my provider. Not my job, not my work, not my employer. He alone.
5) He protects me from the fowler's snare
6) I am fearfully and wonderfully made. And he plans to prosper me.
7) That every groan, every sigh reaches him.
8) That every injustice is recorded and vengeance is His and His alone.
9) The the world is a vale of tears, but God has called us into His own.
10) That I will no matter how broken I am, I still live in the house of the Lord.

My week in review

Its been a busy busy busy week and guess what? Next week will be even busier. On the one hand, I am just thankful that I am blessed with so much to do, so many to love and time to do it all. On the other, I am a little weary of the routine, of the sheer everydayness of it all and can't wait for a break!

Meanwhile here is my week in review


Monday
Company Dinner and Dance. Was super fun. Thanks J and A who babysat for me and allowed me this night. I won a hairdryer. Pictures here is the crazy marcom team. And Darth Vader. That's actually John, our designer, who was part of the org comm and hence got to be in costume, but not eat anything.



Tuesday
Earnest work on Annual Report begins. Stress

Wednesday
Meetings. meetings, meetings and more meetings. Most unproductive day of the week. But finding time is a skill that I am working on, so this was a good day to practise.

Thursday
Scramble like mad to complete the magazine. In a writing flurry, and in the midst of it panic about how I haven't written the script for the church anniversary yet.

Went to prayer meeting at night. First time in a long long while. Felt good.

Friday
..I'm in love. Hee. Not really. But it's a song. Ok, Friday was a usual work day, mad rush to finish stuff. Spent Friday night shopping with Hanan for an outfit to wear to ...

Sat
....Vimal's ROM party. Which was also super fun. The food was awesome and the company was great. It was small-ish, about 100 people in all. As usual, ours was the hecklers' table, and very noisy. It was great that we have so many friends and family in our circle who are such good singers. save money on entertainement.

Sunday
Lunch with J and V,their treat, God bless them. T came along too. Crystal Jade dim sum rocks! Ooh, and I ran into Shades from Ngee Ann Poly. He looked so grown up, so man - not like the boy I once knew. I promised to find him on facebook, but haven't done that yet.


Monday
Happy Birthday, Prashanth!!! My baby brother turns 31, which makes me feel even older. Its a shame he is so far away, but you know we love you, bro! And mummy's home from India. Two weeks without her is just too long. Also, Hanan's exan started. Ugh.



Which brings us to today!

See what I mean by blessed beyond belief?

parenting

I need a manual. Really. The personality changes and emotional rollercoasters that my kid has been on lately, I have no idea how to deal with it. Are you supposed to hit puberty when you are 10?

I realise that while the mature kid in him listens to me reason it out, the petulant child whines and carries on. Over the weekend, we had a battle of wills a few times, until out of sheer exhasution, I did the unforgivable. I hit the kid.

He didn't cry, but the look of intense pain, fury and hurt he gave me was horrible and terrifying. Immediately, "What have you done?" razed through my brain.

I came clean, told my brother about it, and he took Hanan aside for some mano a mano counselling. And I am glad i could draw on his support for this.

But what if it happens again? And again? What if in frustration, Hanan says something to hurt me?

I need a manual.

***

I have a manual.
The bible is full of wisdom on how to raise a child.

Spare the rod, and spoil the child.

Do not provoke your child to anger.

Train a child in the way he should go.

Teach him God's commandments.


I haven't exactly been following the manual. It's time for a refresher. From the Refresher.

With all thy getting, get understanding

Solomon was really on to something. He really had everything mortal man could want in the physical world. Money, fame, power, women, properties, children (this one's a bit iffy. And yet his knowledge that all that is nothing without understanding (or wisdom, as some translations have it), is really mind boggling.

In a time when so much of what we do seems to be based on how we feel, rather than what we know, I am reminded that wisdom to sift the wheat from the chaff is indeed the most valuable thing of all.

So much is relative, so much is measured on the level of pure emotion, that it is easy to look track of what's real and go with the flow. I am thankful for reminders everyday.

I know this is kinda rambling and random, but I needed to remember I said this.

Back to school!

The last 2 weeks of the school holidays were just packed! Birthday celebrations, trips to Malacca, church camp and endless other feasts and festivities filled our days.

Needless to say, waking up this morning at the glorious time of 5:45a, was a drag. Surprisingly enough, Hanan bounded out of bed rather quickly and was not too cranky about my hurrying him through the shower, dressing and shoes-and-socks stage.

After he left, I went to bed but instead of sleeping, found myself praying for the many things on my mind. Michael Jackson's demise. My friend's dad's operation. My ability to get through the next ten weeks of term and emerge sane. My seasons of self-pity and loneliness.

It's a whole bunch of depressing stuff, but at the end of it, I actually felt stronger and more confident than I had in quite a while. Strange, no? Or maybe not.

The Worship Concert

There are few things that I rather do on a Friday than relax with some people who are near and dear to my heart, listen to really good music, have a good conversation that brings me joy, comfort and food for thought.

Thankfully that is exactly what I got to do last night at church, during The Worship Concert, a worship event that seemed like a microcosm of the worship experience at Hillsong Conference last year.

With excellent musicians and singers from FGA Singapore, FGA KL and Every Nation Church Singapore leading the way, it was all I could do not to break out into a full-fledged dance routine.

Of course what took it one step higher was that it was all in praise of awesome God, but still, there is little that could have detracted from the fact that everyone brought their best.

The auditorium was packed full and slightly warmer than it should have been (that could have been just me, though), but the sound of every voice raised in song, hands raised in worship was phenomenal.

I could have done that all night.

An ex-churchmate once said, "Sometime we worship, sometimes we just sing songs." I thought of that last night. People outside of a church environment will probably see it as a bunch of people, who know all the words, singing songs to their God, with additional dramatics like raised hands, clenched fists and hypnotic swaying thrown in.

Which is why we can never explain what it feels like to worship God and know that you are heard, and loved and responded to. Its like trying to explain the thrill of your first kiss, or how it feels to suckle a baby, or how just hanging out with your beloved is like to someone who has never had those experiences.

And therein lies the conundrum of worship. It's awesome, its healing, its freeing, its uplifting. But it can't be explained. It has to be experienced.

I am glad for the experience.

God of Time

Studying Daniel Chapter 9 with my life group yesterday, I was just wowed by how amazing God is. That He, being beyond time, can create a way to measure time so accurately that we, as mere created beings, can not only understand his purpose, but can compute exactly when he is going to carry it out - to the day.

In the 490 years predicted in Daniel, I was thrilled to find out his provision for the "Church Age", the period of time where as his people, we have the privilege to live under his promises and blessings till the final kingdom comes! That during Daniel's day, nay, at creation, God already made a plan to keep us on his mind!

How astounding! I am humbled and thankful to such an amazing God.

God is the Master of Time. And he is able to stretch it and compress it if He wants to. But he keeps it nice and consistent for us to order our lives by. I will never feel like wasting time again.

Being ill is scary

I am usually in such good health that when I do fall sick, it really frightens me.

I have been nursing a sore throat and cough for about a week now, but on Friday, my throat to swell up. I looked like a bullfrog, which is not good since I seem to be running into a second chin anyway. It was painful to talk, eat, or even swallow saliva. I don't mind the not eating, but how was I going to survive without talking?! :)

So in a mindless panic, I went to see a doctor, who prescribed a dose of antibiotics. The swelling is gone down, but man, it sure does still hurt. However, I think the worse is over and I am going to live.

Which I why I think healing is probably the most under-rated of God's miracles. People were impressed by Jesus raising the dead, but he healed more people that He brought back to life. And he continues to heal.

SO my healing is in there somewhere as well. And I am glad for it.

God's Fairweather Friend

During lifegroup yesterday, it dawned on me that I am God's fairweather friend. I am happy to praise him, and pray and spend time reading my Bible when things are going well. But when I am faced with challenges, much like the many that exist right now, I tend to want to depend on my own wits to solve the problems.

It makes me wonder though. Isn't it suppose to be the other way around? People generally get own with their merry lives and tend to call on the Divine only when they need help.

To quote the inimitable Mervin P, am I retarded?

Christmas What?

What is the true meaning of Christmas?

When R threw the question up yesterday during the programming meeting, I realised that I had actually been thinking about that sub consciously.

I always thought of Christmas as a time to get together with friends and family to celebrate the birth of Christ.

But since this way, my family is going to be away, I am thinking maybe not. Maybe its not about parties, or get togethers, or sing a longs, or present buying.

Maybe its a reminder of what God did. And yes, it still amazes me that He did it.

So as I fling myself into preparing for the Christmas service and the musical, I am going to remember that.

It's all about the promise. And how He kept it to me.

I need my memory chip enhanced

Ken Mamlin shared a really cool idea at yesterday's class that Man would have no knowledge of anything if God didn't put it there.

And then, he illustrated it with a story of how God took the "Sanity" chip out of Nebuchannezzar's brain for 7 years for being proud and egotistical. And had him crawling around like an animal. And then when he came back, they gave him back his kingdom. Them crazy Babylonians. Anyhoo....

So, I am asking now - can I please have an extra "memory" chip, so I can memorise the 5 page script that I received this morning, for tomorrow's performance?

IN the words of Cathy Guisewhite - "AACK!"

Dedicated to our 43rd National Day

Before you were formed
I knew you.
A tiny red dot on a pale blue dot.

I prepared the hearts of men and women,
Valiant and adventurous,
who were passionate about me and my people.
And you.

They came in big steamships,with the EIC.
And started to build My house.
For you.

I saw you in your infancy.
Your halting steps as you struggled to
Make a difference in your corner of the world.
As trade and commerce flourished, I saw you stretch your hands
To meet the needs of the old, the infirmed, the defenceless.

I watched as your face changed,
from white and foreign,
to brown and yellow and local.

I prospered your people across the nation
Blessed them to be a blessing.

On a tiny red dot on a pale blue dot.

When you plunged into turmoil,
And war tore through your veins.
How I longed to gather you up.

But I stayed my hand, and let your raise yourself,
And I preserved you, as my people prayed.
I healed your land and made it strong,
Strong enough to stand on its own.

AndI watched you standing there, through the strife
Shining glorious and bright.
Full of fire and energy for this new nation.
The tiny red dot on a pale blue dot.

Like a true daughter of Sarah,
I saw you get younger & more radiant
as the years went by.

Pooling together when needed.
Finding an itch and scratching it.
Making Me known.

You call yourself by many names
You put on many garments.
But you will always be My cherished bride.
I prepared you for My glory.

You are the church,
in the tiny red dot on a pale blue dot.
You are beloved.
You are Mine.