Settling In

19 days into 2011 and I finally feel like I am settling in to the year and the routines that it will entail.

I must remember to keep my tri-fold focus for the year.

1) Help Hanan pass his PSLE
2) Improve comms for church
3) Do something about the elephant in the room by end-2011.

As for resolution-y stuff, this is what the list looks like
1) Write to people more. Meaning love notes, poems, prose and proper letter things.
2) Eat at home more.
3) Cab less.

Sounds easy,right? Ha ha. Lets see what this will look like at the half-year mark.

I am very grateful though. Grateful for my job(s). For my friends. For my mum. For the sweet little boy who is fast becoming a man. Still sweet though. And for the God who never witholds anything from me if I ask.

"Seek ye first".

I will, Lord. I will. Help me when I forget.

Stuff and Service

Two things were highlighted to me this weekend.

1. Stuff. We spent waay to much of our life just collecting it. The pursuit of happyness does not equal how much stuff we have, but how many relationships we have blessed by our time and our resources. I was painfully made aware of the fact that this is a principal that must be taught and taught well, because it is in direct opposition to how the world operates. And before I teach it, I must internalise it and live it as well.

2. When you serve in church, it is very easy for the things you do to become about the things you do. I was reminded by a dear friend, S., to remember to bring my service attitude everytime. That what I do is not for me, or even for people, but to glorify my God. When I was in corporate employment, I reminded myself frequently that my job was to make my boss look good. And I think that still applies, if not even more so now.

Making God look good means to bring a servant heart to every aspect of my ministry. And I need to constantly remember that.

A new chapter

October has marked a new chapter in my journey with God where I find myself having to trust Him more than ever for provision, for peace and for sanity.

God, I pray that you will see us through this month with flying colours. That the challenges of exams, work, relationships and even leisure are managed with Your wisdom.

Weddings and Dedications

Last Saturday was a whirlwind of activity what with my cousin Joe getting married on Saturday and FGA's new building dedication on Sunday morning. Needless to say, I was grateful for the National Day PH to finally get some downtime.

But I digress...

Joe's wedding sermon by Pastor Stanley Wong is what I want to talk about. Unlike the soppy message about love and wonderful memories and children and turtledoves, his message was more like a deterrent to marriage, if you think its about the above.

He said," Marriage is not about happiness; its about holiness".

WHAM! It hit me like a bolt from the blue.

"The more difficult your spouse is, the more opportunity you have to let God work in you and increase your holiness."

WHAM! again.

I am not saying I liked hearing it. I am just saying it said something to me.

Making memories with mama

Doing this skit for mother's day really makes me think about my relationship with my mother. She turns 61 this Friday and suddenly, I realise I am at the age where I first noticed her getting old. It surprisingly coincides with the time I became a teenager, but I am sure adolescent angst had nothing to do with the way I perceived her. (tongue firmly in cheek)

At 37, my mother was grumpy - alot. Everything I did annoyed her. I remember there was once I came home from school and was sitting at the table talking to her when suddenly, suddenly, she flew into a rage because I was sitting around in my uniform. It was confusing, it was like "you just noticed? I been sitting here for 30 minutes!"

At 37, my mother was not very sociable. She went to work, she came home. No parties, no exercise, no trips to visit people, nothing. It bothered me that she was quite happy pottering around her plants, or sitting in semi-darkness, listening to Tamil film music from the 40s and 50s. Aren't people who need people the luckiest people? I didn't get it.

At 37, my mother was very tired. She slept alot, in the afternoons, early in the evenings, on a bus, in a cab. All the time.

Now that she is 61, she is one of the most happening women. Her days are packed with morning runs, social visits, trips to JB, gatherings, parties. Ever since semi-retirement, its like her life really took off.

And I am tired. and grumpy. and not very sociable.

We have come full circle.

Where I have been for the past 3 months

Ever made a really big mistake and then realised that maybe that was just God's way of waking you up to the plans He has for you?

If I have to assign meaning to the last three months, then I think that would be it. Taking the job at [that company] was the wrong thing to do, but I am something right came out of it.

So the plan now is to see how stepping out of the safety of the career-boat is going to change my life. Putting priorities right is the most important thing to do, and yet its amazing how many of us get stuck in the "must have job" rut.

I am totally trusting God for this. Not myself, not my friends, not my connections, only him.

Am excited to see what God's gonna do. I think the last time I said that, was ten years ago.

How can 2 walk together, except they agree?

This has been the theme recently in almost all aspects of my life - work, marriage, motherhood, daughterhood and friendship.

Being with someone in any relationship will involve being in some kind of agreement about basic things as well as deep spiritual stuff. And when that doesn't exist, what you have is resentment, anger, strife and disappointment.

How to agree?
By being submissive to another's will - this is easier said that done for me. I am known for my mule-like stubborness.

By negotiating a "agree to disagree" scenario - not always ideal and can't have too many of these in a relationship.

Persuasive dialogue - talk someone around to see and accept your point of view (My personal favourite :) heh heh)

By building the basic foundation of the relationship together, so there are agreed upon values which will not flounder when the load on them gets too heavy at times.

I think God uses all of these to build a relationship with us. He submitted to death on the cross to remove the division between us, allowed us to give up some of his laws regarding diet, war and non-beleivers, talked to us through the gentle voice of Jesus Christ and then his disciples to help us see his view and put in place his commandments as a shared set of values for us to enjoy building His kingdom with him.

Agreeing with each other is not as impossible as it looks. As beleivers especially, half the work is already done for us.

Random Update

It has been a few days since the end of hell week, where there were 4 major projects to complete. In the lull, I have been working on getting head screwed on right again, while preparing for the next wave of busyness, which is coming soon, I am sure.

Change is a recurring subject for this blog, because there is such alot of it in my life, I guess. Very soon, there will be changes at work, and I will trying to exact changes in my personal life as well. Limbo is not really my thing.

*****

Hanan's streaming exams are literally around the corner, and we have to get cracker-lacking! His Tamil is a big worry, not so much that he has to pass this exam, but rather, what if he does and can't handle it at P5 and PSLE? Am I needlessly torturing my child? While its fine to promote mother tongue education and all, there really should be other alternatives.

Sigh.

*****

Really looking forward to my trip to HK in Oct. This will my first time to this land that many people think Singapore is a part of. More than anything, I think I am looking forward to the break. From work, from home, from responsibilities and expectations. And also from the fair shores of Singapore, which I have not left since .... I can't remember when. The timing is a bit sucky, right before exam fever, but still...


*****
Went to watch The Proposal on Monday. Been ages since I saw a decent rom-com, so I really enjoyed it. Its amazing how Sandra Bullock still looks so hot. And the role suited her to a T, even though she doesn't really play strong woman characters. Go Sandra Bee! Ryan Reynolds is a bit of a hottie too, although I didn't exactly see a wide enough range of emotions in this movie to be able to tell anything about his acting ability.

*****

And that's it.

My week in review

Its been a busy busy busy week and guess what? Next week will be even busier. On the one hand, I am just thankful that I am blessed with so much to do, so many to love and time to do it all. On the other, I am a little weary of the routine, of the sheer everydayness of it all and can't wait for a break!

Meanwhile here is my week in review


Monday
Company Dinner and Dance. Was super fun. Thanks J and A who babysat for me and allowed me this night. I won a hairdryer. Pictures here is the crazy marcom team. And Darth Vader. That's actually John, our designer, who was part of the org comm and hence got to be in costume, but not eat anything.



Tuesday
Earnest work on Annual Report begins. Stress

Wednesday
Meetings. meetings, meetings and more meetings. Most unproductive day of the week. But finding time is a skill that I am working on, so this was a good day to practise.

Thursday
Scramble like mad to complete the magazine. In a writing flurry, and in the midst of it panic about how I haven't written the script for the church anniversary yet.

Went to prayer meeting at night. First time in a long long while. Felt good.

Friday
..I'm in love. Hee. Not really. But it's a song. Ok, Friday was a usual work day, mad rush to finish stuff. Spent Friday night shopping with Hanan for an outfit to wear to ...

Sat
....Vimal's ROM party. Which was also super fun. The food was awesome and the company was great. It was small-ish, about 100 people in all. As usual, ours was the hecklers' table, and very noisy. It was great that we have so many friends and family in our circle who are such good singers. save money on entertainement.

Sunday
Lunch with J and V,their treat, God bless them. T came along too. Crystal Jade dim sum rocks! Ooh, and I ran into Shades from Ngee Ann Poly. He looked so grown up, so man - not like the boy I once knew. I promised to find him on facebook, but haven't done that yet.


Monday
Happy Birthday, Prashanth!!! My baby brother turns 31, which makes me feel even older. Its a shame he is so far away, but you know we love you, bro! And mummy's home from India. Two weeks without her is just too long. Also, Hanan's exan started. Ugh.



Which brings us to today!

See what I mean by blessed beyond belief?

Bob Blumer - An encounter

Last Saturday, I was blessed with the opportunity to attend a cooking class hosted by Bob Blumer, one of my Discovery Travel and Living heroes. Bob hosted a really cute show called Surreal Gourmet, where he travelled around toaster-mobile in his cooking extaordinary meals for the most unlikely people, with the simplest ingredients. Bob has a great sense of humour, and his passionate for food, coupled with the cute Canadian way he says "aboot" instead of "about" makes him very likeable indeed.

The class was a blast! There were perhaps 30 of us in all, contest winners, food bloggers and other calefare i.e me. He was in town to promote his new show "glutton for punishment" which almost killed him, to hear him tell it. Although he looked really tired, he was most obliging with our incessant requests for photo opps, autographs and dumb questions (can I use oil instead of butter?) He had just come from Manila and was leaving for KL the next day and I was surprised he wasn't more grumpy.

Bob taught us how to make chicken on a stick, prawns on a stick and chocolate wontons (not on a stick). The food was amazing, but it paled in comparision to meeting a prolebrity (professional celebrity?).

The good people at Discovery did a bang up job organising this, and gave us nice freebies like a awesome apron and a Glutton for Punishment Coffee Cup with cover/cookie plate. I love it!

It was an awesome experience. Thanks S for asking me to go and thank you God, for making it possible.

PS Photos later. For some reason blogger won't let me post photos at the mo.

Oven

I have been hankering for an oven recently, after throwing out my old decrepit one in December along with a whole bunch of other kitchen junk i no longer needed.

It's funny that I haven't felt the need for one till recently when the plethora of good recipes on www.foodgawker.com have made me want to grill and bake again.

So, through an angel who will remain unnamed I got this Moulinex Compact Chef Oven for a very afforable price. Well this is not the exact thing, but it looks something like this.



And now, I realise that I need to get all the peripherals that go with it - cookie sheets, cake pans, muffin pans, stoneware, etc etc...

This is gonna be fun! And just in time too.

You had me at hello

I have recently been noticing how people greet one another when they pick up the phone. It is very telling of the person's personality, their current state of mind, the company they are in. And all this sometimes by the simple "hello".

But before that, a story. I remember when I was about 7 or 8, I first started becoming interested in the phone as a communication tool. Before that it was the domain of adults, who spoke into it, sometimes to people i knew, sometimes to strangers. I didn't even know the number.

But after my parents split up, the phone became all important. It was my connection to my dad. When with dad, it was my link to mum. The numbers 4526473 had great significance and was committed to memory like no other number had been (not even the times table)

I also noticed that my mum answered the phone in a weary, sad tone. The "H" in the hello was heavily exhaled, like a sigh. The tone was low, the volume lower. It sounded as burdened and as tired as she was.I learnt to gauge her actual mood by the next word. An excited "Ah, yes" meant it was a family member, a no-nonsense brusque tone - a call from work. A wordless "Nalinee, it's for you" meant it was my dad. And much later, a high giggle indicated that her then-boyfriend, now-husband was on the line.

Little known to myself, I too started to answer the phone with the world-weary hello. Maybe it was just mindless imitation (probably). Maybe I wanted the sympathy and attention she seemed to get with that tone (possibly). Maybe sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.

But it was years later (almost 12 years) when a male caller who would later become my husband called me on it. "Why do you always answer the phone like someone just finished berating you?", he asked. I thought about it. I made a conscious effort to sound more cheerful. I hope it worked.

Today my mother answers the phone with an Australian accent - the insertion of the "i" and the questioning tone which sounds like "Helloi?". Go figure.

Dad, he sounds like he was in the midst of reading the Iliad. In the original Greek.

My brother, always surprised. Btw, he says "Helloi?" too. :)

Hanan - lowers his voice a couple of octaves, tries to sound like a grown man.

R - sounds like an English Lady, going Cooee! Sorry dude, you do and I love you for it.

A - says "Har-low!" True blue Singaporean.

What do I sound like now? Tell me next time you call me ok?

Secondary School Reunions

There is a secondary school reunion coming up and I am a bit nervous about going. I haven't seen these people since 1989, when we graduated and from the email exchanges that we have had, I am not sure its a good idea.

OK, that's not entirely true. Some of the girls, I really do want to see. It sounds like they have grown and evolved while pretty much staying the same (if you know what I mean).

But the guys, I don't know. The conversations over email have not been so promising.... and some of them were pretty nasty, even back then.

So, should I go?

Honour your parents?

It's been a long time since my parents agreed on anything. Even after the divorce, they seemed to pride themselves on their dichotomy of views, whether in reality, or just in principle.

I often remember either my dad or my mum going out of their way to make sure the views they represent are as opposite as they can possibly get to what they thought the other might present.

So when both of them, recently, expressed the same view about the unexplained sore on my leg, I got a bit worried.

"Go see a doctor! Get a blood sugar test done! Your family history of diabetes is very strong!"

Almost word for word, their reaction was the same. And of course, they wouldn't be good Indian parents if they didn't end with the ubiquitous guilt trip.

"As a parent, i can only advise you. If you don't listen, there is nothing I can do. I just hope it won't be too late."

My day, being my dad, and heaps more prone to exaggeration and melodrama than I am, had to add his unique spin, telling me uplifting anecdotes of how he knows people to lost their limbs to gangrene etc etc.

Needless to say, I went to the doctor the next day and had a blood sugar test done.
Not because I had any real fear, but because of the rarity of my parents agreeing on anything.

Now THAT is surely a sign, no? The chance of it happening is one in a million.

God's Fairweather Friend

During lifegroup yesterday, it dawned on me that I am God's fairweather friend. I am happy to praise him, and pray and spend time reading my Bible when things are going well. But when I am faced with challenges, much like the many that exist right now, I tend to want to depend on my own wits to solve the problems.

It makes me wonder though. Isn't it suppose to be the other way around? People generally get own with their merry lives and tend to call on the Divine only when they need help.

To quote the inimitable Mervin P, am I retarded?

Funny truths about life in small small Singapore....

One of my colleagues sent this to me via email today. It struck a chord. I wonder what the 1000s of foreigners living here think of us and our unique form of self and civil governance?

1. Nite - Sleep with air-con; Day - Bathe with heater on

2. Day - Cannot Wake up; Nite - Cannot Sleep

3. Cigarettes - Convenient to buy; not convenient to smoke

4. Chewing Gum - Can Chew, Cannot buy?? (Restricted to buying)

5. Smell Of rubbish besides letterboxes; Rubbish inside Letterbox

6. Private Cars - Cheaper & Cheaper to Buy, harder & harder to maintain

7. Education - Teachers teaching Less but expects students to learn More

8. High-tech barbaric singaporeans - know how to use state-of-the art equipment, but dunno how to use a simple dustbin or a toilet

9. There are quite a number of rich/poor in spore - They have Car, Credit Card, CPF .... but no Cash and lots of loans

10. Translation is needed between Singaporean Chinese and Mainland Chinese

11. Sporean never like to vote, but like to complain

12. Half Sporeans rushed to buy Hello kitty, but the other half busy killing stray cats

10

It had been 10 years yesterday.
It went by unacknowledged by either of us.
I have nothing to show for it, except the one precious arrow in my quiver.

When I was young, I pictured this day being very different. Surrounded by our 4 (or more) kids, celebrated with our friends and family, before going off on a romantic weekend away, just the two of us.

My friends tell me I am brave, I am strong, I am sensible and responsible.
I am none of those things.
Just hopeful.

What went wrong?
Nothing and everything.
It was noone's fault. You can't fault where there is no effort.

Or may be it was mine.
If only I had been more -->insert adjective here<--

I am not sure if there will be a 11. But I know that whatever happens, my Father already knows what my days hold.

Random things in February

I really like the "Swagga like us" song. It's got a really catchy hook. I went to check out the original "paper planes" and its got a really horrible message, but I think Kanye did something really cool with it.

**

I am currently reading a book called "Good in Bed". No, it's not a manual. Its actually a really good book about a woman who finds out that her boyfriend write in a national publication about the courage it takes to love a larger woman. I.e her.
The book resonated with me somehow, having been a larger woman all my life.
I remember when I was 18 (at my fittest), I was talking to a bunch of friends about some event, and someone said, "It's ain't over till the fat lady sings." And a really dear friend (he still is) turned to me and said, "Nalinee, sing!" And I think it hurt all the more because I never saw myself as fat, just taller and broader and stronger than the other women I know. That's when I first realised, that I can either be comfortable with myself or spend my life wanted to look a different way.

It's taken about 15 years, but I think I finally am there.

**

After being so sure of what I want, I am unsure again. It could just be a hormonal thing. And also it's coupled with other feelings of inadequacy and failure. But I just need to lean in to Him a bit more. It's usually when we start struggling that we need more support, yes?

**

Think I need to get my priorities lined up. I feel like I am spending too much time on non-proftable pursuits and have lost sight of my vision for this year. And its only February!!!

V Day Frenzy

One is looking online for roses.

Another asked me to help him choose lingerie for his wife.

Yet another is swooning in anticipation at what her boyfriend is planning.

And you don't bring me flowers anymore.

Epiphany

It was eating away at my soul, these things that were happening at work.

And then, during worship on Saturday, I realised what was going on.

It all started when i said yes to leading the drama ministry in church. It is the enemy's way of trying to undermine my confidence to do it. What sealed it was the accusation of incompetency, which made me want to call R immediately and tell him I won't do it.

So it wasn't about the people at work, or even people at home. The whole thing was just a manifestation of what was hapeening in a spiritual relam. But I am hip to your game now, you devil you. I see what you are doing, and how you are using innocent poeple to do it. And you are not going to succeed.

As is teaches in Daniel, you cannot take the holy things of God and use them for unholy causes. Not without serious repercussions.

You have lost. Get used to it.