Honour your parents?

It's been a long time since my parents agreed on anything. Even after the divorce, they seemed to pride themselves on their dichotomy of views, whether in reality, or just in principle.

I often remember either my dad or my mum going out of their way to make sure the views they represent are as opposite as they can possibly get to what they thought the other might present.

So when both of them, recently, expressed the same view about the unexplained sore on my leg, I got a bit worried.

"Go see a doctor! Get a blood sugar test done! Your family history of diabetes is very strong!"

Almost word for word, their reaction was the same. And of course, they wouldn't be good Indian parents if they didn't end with the ubiquitous guilt trip.

"As a parent, i can only advise you. If you don't listen, there is nothing I can do. I just hope it won't be too late."

My day, being my dad, and heaps more prone to exaggeration and melodrama than I am, had to add his unique spin, telling me uplifting anecdotes of how he knows people to lost their limbs to gangrene etc etc.

Needless to say, I went to the doctor the next day and had a blood sugar test done.
Not because I had any real fear, but because of the rarity of my parents agreeing on anything.

Now THAT is surely a sign, no? The chance of it happening is one in a million.

In line at HDB

I made my monthly pilgrimage to HDB Area Office today, to pay them a part of the thousands of dollars I owe and will owe them, probably till the day I die. I was 12th in line (I always count how many people are ahead of me in a line, don't you?), when this older lady entered the office.

"Pay cash, must queue ah?", she asked, to the general public. As we all fought each other not to answer, she repeated her question, this time a little louder. Finally some guy took pity on her and replied, "Yes, I think so".

Happily, she takes her place in the line (No. 15) and then, confronts a new problem. She sees that some people have a queue number for counter services in hand. While standing in the cash payment queue. This confuses her.

"Pay cash, must take number ah?", she asks the air. Again, greeted by stony silence. After a few more times, one of them deigns to reply - wrongly.

"Yes, must take." Me - !!!

"No, pay cash no need," I reply. "Just queue." She thanks me and then proceeds to recount her confusion to me, starting from her first entrance into the office. I listen politely, making minimal eye contact.

Then, the lady behind me starts. "So this is the pay cash queue huh? So what, if I had an appointment? I have a letter, do I still stand here?"

Finally, I lose my patience. "Sorry, I don't work here," I said, trying to keep my voice even. "I only know what I am doing, which is making a cash payment. And here is where I do it. Any other questions, you have to ask the staff."

(Which, when I am being more bitchy, would have come out as 'Do I look like I work here!?!)

The lady looks affronted and leaves the queue to ask the staff, telling me !) to hold her place in case she has to come back. She doesn't.

25 minutes, it's my turn. I go to the counter, pay them, and leave.

Never has standing in line amused, befuddled and annoyed me so much. My resolve to be nicer is shot to pieces. (Sorry A and J, I have failed)

Overheard on the bus

There were these two young Filipino students on the bus today. One was sitting in the front seat that faces the whole bus. The other was standing near the exit door. Strangely, neither of them beleived that this was inappropriate for having a loud conversation about justice and trust. Some of it was in Tagalog, but the important bits were in English (Kinda like tamil movies, where the hero will wax lyrical about the heroine in Tamil for 6 minutes, and then end with "Actually, I lowe you."

But I digress. So this conversation, highly personal is going on. Meanwhile noone else on the bus is talking. People have unplugged themselves from earpieces to listen to the saga unfold.

F1: The thing is, I don't judge you. Why you do judge me?

F2: (Rapid fire tagalog followed by:) I am not judging you. I just need you to listen and trust me.

F1: But I don't judge you. Why are you judging?

F2: It's not about judging. Its about caring for your friends.

F1: But why do you judge? I don't judge.

(Note: F1 only had one line. But boy did he work it!)

And on and on it went. From Woodlands to Yishun MRT. Then I had to get off, so I don't know how it ended.

Did F1 feel accepted in the end for who he is?

Did F2 get the trust he so badly needed from his friend?

If anyone who was on the bus is reading this, let me know how it pans out.

Is English changing?

A frind sent this to me, and I don't know who authored it, but its really brillant.
And more likely than not, might be true too.

English in year 2020

It is the year 2020 and call centers are opening all over the West, as the new economic power India outsources work to the countries where many jobs originated. Millions of Americans, still struggling to adapt to a global economy, are willing to accept jobs that pay them in a new currency sweeping much of the world: URupees.

Some of them, eager to land one of the customer service jobs from India, are attending special training sessions in New York City, led by language specialist Dave Ramsey, who goes by a simpler name for his Indian clients: Devendra Ramaswaminathan.

On this warm afternoon, the professor is teaching three ambitious students how to communicate with Indian customers.

Professor: 'Okay, Gary, Randy and Jane, first we need to give you Indian names. Gary, from now on, you'll be known to your customers as Gaurav. Randy, you'll be Ranjit. And Jane, you'll be Jagadamba. Now imagine you just received a call from Delhi. What do you say?'

Gary: 'Name as tea ?'

Professor: 'I think you mean 'namaste.' Very good. But what do you say after that?'

Gary: 'How can I help you?'

Professor: 'You're on the right track. Anyone else?'

Jane: 'How can I be helping you?'

Professor: 'Good try! You're using the correct tense, but it's not quite right. Anyone else?'

Randy: 'How I can be helping you ?'

Professor: 'Wonderful! Word order is very important. Okay, let's try some small talk. Give me a comment that would help you make a connection with your Indian customers.'

Randy: 'It's really hot, isn't it?'

Professor: 'The heat is always a good topic, but you haven't phrased it correctly. Try again.'

Randy: 'It's deadly hot, isn't it?'

Professor: 'That's better. But your tag question can be greatly improved.'

Randy: 'It's deadly hot, no?'

Professor: 'Wonderful! You can put 'no?' at the end of almost any statement. You are understanding me, no?'

Jane: 'Yes, we are understanding you, no?'

Professor (smiles): 'We may need to review this later. But let's move on to other things. Have you ever heard Indians use the word 'yaar'?'

Randy: 'Yes, my Indian friends use it all the time. Just last night, one of them said to me, 'Randy, give me yaar password. I am needing it to fix yaar computer.'

Professor (laughs): 'That's a different 'yaar,' yaar. The 'yaar' that I'm talking about means friend or buddy. You can use it if you've developed a camaraderie with a customer. For example, you can say, 'Come on, yaar. I am offering you the best deal.' Do you understand, Jagadamba?'

Jane: 'Yaar, I do.'

Professor (smiles): 'Okay, let's talk about accents. If your client says 'I yam wery vorried about vat I bought for my vife,' how would you respond?'

Randy: 'Please don't be vorrying, yaar. She vill be wery happy and vill give you a vild time tonight.'

Professor: 'Vunderful! I mean, wonderful. You have a bright future, Ranjit. And so do you, Jagadamba. But Gaurav, you haven't said anything in a while. Do you have any questions about what we've just learned?'

Gary: 'Yes, Professor, I do have one question: Wouldn't it be simpler to learn to speak Hindi?'

UPDATE: Found the Author! http://www.melvindurai.com/indianenglish.htm His other stuff is hilarious too, go check it out!