Things my husband says that make me want to commit myself.

This is the sequel to the post about the things that make me go AAARRRGGHHH. And this time, the tables are turned and this is sampling of the things my husband says that drive me out of my mind.

1) And who is that?
By nature I am a friendly person. I make on average a new friend every week. And talk about him or her for days after.
Let’s say I made a friend. Let’s call her Pam. I talk about her incessantly for weeks. Pam this, Pam that, Pam said, Pam, Pam, Pam.

I only have to give it at most a 2 day break, and then I say something like, “Guess what Pam said?” And Otrie turns to me with this I-am-living-with-an-imbecile look and slowly says, “And who is Pam?”

Grrr. Rather than go through the hassle of reintroducing Pam into our lives, I just go “nevermind”, which may or may not lead to a discussion on how I am secretive and don’t share anything.

2) I am not the woman you are
Nalinee: Look, I bought new shoes! Aren’t they lovely?
Normal Man: *Grunt*

Sensitive New Age Man: Yah, they are nice. Go well with your nail polish.

Gay Man: OMG, they are FABULOUS! Can I borrow them?

My Husband: It’s not the pair I would have chosen, but I am not the woman that you are.

Nalinee: Wha…?

3) Just a second

Now, if you have heard of Indian Standard Time, where if a person says come at 4, you should show up around 5:30, this is even worse.

“Just a second” in Otrie-speak can lead into 5 mins, half hour, two hours later, or even a whole day. There might be longer ones, but I don’t remember. Love keeps no record of wrongdoing *tongue firmly in cheek.

“Just a second” is what Otrie uses when he either doesn’t have an answer or knows that I am not going to like the answer. It’s a time-buying tactic. But now that I recognize it for what it is, don’t think for a minute that I tolerate it. It still makes my blood boil. I want to break a clock over his head while yelling,” This will take just a second!”

4) I was watching that.
Picture this scenario. I walk into the house and the TV is on. Noone is in the living room. I call out. No answer. I peep around to the rooms. Noone peeps back. So I do what any good energy saving citizen would do – pick up the remote and turn off the TV.

“I WAS WATCHING THAT!” A bellow hits me a 90 mph, followed by a very irate husband bounding towards me. “I stepped away for just a second”, he says, indignation welling in his voice. As covered in Point 3, a second can be anything from 5 mins to 24 hours, so I have no way to tell how true this is.

Previously, I used to stand and fight. Now I just turn it back on and walk away. Saves me a lot of unnecessary bile in my throat that way.

I am sure you have similar experiences with your spousen. Share with me in the comments section and we will find solidarity together.

Things that make you go AAARRRGGHHH

Put it down to the difference in age, gender, culture or just general hard-wiring, but there are some things that I say to my spousal partner that drive him either to find a tall building (to jump off of), or to commit murder in his heart.

Here is just a sampling, based on what I can remember right now.

1. “Boo, can I ask you something?”
I never thought there was anything wrong with this until I heard this uber-lian say it to the guy she was wrapped around. Then I realized, that question is the most meaningless one ever. Having asked it, do you then have to say “Can I ask another question?” It also makes the asker seems like she has the self-esteem of a hunchbacked Spartan and the askee a tyrant, who won’t entertain questions and might beat the asker up! No one wins.

2. “Why you never..?”
Of course, starting any sentence with this phrase sets you up for a “I’m right and you are dog poo-poo” conversation. Why you never is also grammatically wrong, because you don’t really mean “never”, but just that one time.
E.g. Eh, why you never come to church last Sunday?

It’s apparently a Singaporean thing to use “never” when we mean once. But it drives my American husband barking mad. Never means not ever. Not to be used in sentences like “Why you never say you love me?” especially in a hyper-whiny tone.

3. Actually
Here in Singapore, we use this word as a filler, even if we don’t mean it, actually (You see what I did there? I used it as filler.) We don’t actually use it to add emphasis or to indicate that something is actually happening now, which according to Mr Webster, the correct ways to use this word.

So, every time I say actually and Otrie can’t spot an emphasis, or see that I am meaning the opposite of what I am saying, he gets confused. And when people are confused for no reason, they get rather bellicose, and try to pick a fight to deflect their confusion.

We have had so many delightful quarrels over this now that, actually, it no longer bothers me.

4. what, used as a suffix.
I think the thing that bothers him most about this, is the fact that he can’t do it right. Its so much a part of our patois, then we don’t even think when we say things like
“You yell so much also no point, what.”
“Correct, what!”

But to foreign ears, it sounds, well, foreign. There are no rules on what to use when. Same with lah, lor, meh and hor. No rules, unless you have been imbued in this culture. So from Otrie, you get gems like:
“I know its correct, but, lah, this way also can meh. What?”
Translation” Correct, lah, but like that also can.”

Next post: things HE says that make me go aargh and want to commit myself.