Weekend

It was the best of times, it was the worse of times.

Ok, nothing quite as dramatic as the French Revolution happened, but the whole weekend was such an amazing emotional roller coaster, then I feel slightly off balance today. Might have something to do with the fact that I am trying to make it through the day on 5 hours of sleep.

Saturday totally rocked. I did this little skit in church, which well, wasn't booed off stage. It has inspired me to find rhymes in everything. And I got to hang with really cool people, two of whom are drummers. How hip am I? Ha ha.

And on Sunday everything just sorta crashed.
It was my fault really, because I don't read minds - a skill that would have come in really handy in diverting the situation. The one thing I learned is - a loaf of bread is not a good projectile when you are trying to do serious damage.

But anyway, I am drained. I need torrential, gentle, healing rain.

Ooh, that rhymed.

Anyway, I will come back when I am more coherant. and rant.

My, this is easy.

Hungry...

I need a new bible.

*Deep breath*
Every since my beautiful leatherbound Nelson bible - NKJV version - got left behind in a taxi by some careless goondu who shall remain nameless, I have been at loose ends for a good one.

I have a few at home that I have used at one time or another, but I want one that speaks to me where I am now, you know. But, with the exception of that one, I have every bible I ever got and they all are indicative of who I was at the time.

Let me try and recall them.

Good News Bible - my very first one when I was 11. My mum used to send my brother and I to vacation bible school to get us out of her hair, and one of the older "akkas" gave it to me. I remember the first passage I ever read was Daniel in the lion's den, because we were supposed to act it out the next day. I was Daniel.

Hardcover NIV Bible - 14 years old. This was a gift from my aunt, before I left for India. It was a great source of comfort to me during those 6 long, lonely months, and I think that's when my relationship with God really grew. He was the only one I had. I remember I used to sleep with the bible under my pillow, just for the security and comfort it brought. Of course I cracked it open every once in a way also.


The tiniest KJV in the world. 16 years old. My first true love gave it to me. He had underlined the entire chapter of Corinthians 13, and written above it, "I love you so." Its ironic how the word of God has outlasted him. But isn't that the way it is? Anyway, the whole bible is printed in point size 4 or something, so its really more a keepsake than anything else.


Nelson NKJV - 19 years old. That which got lost in my taxi. My uncle Henry gave it to me when I got baptised. It was perfect. The right font size. Wonderful cross references and study guides. Wide margins for copious notes. Fit in the palm of my hand exactly. I wonder whose palm it fits now. I hope he/ she loves it as much as me. I hope I don't see one of its pages the next time I buy Kachang puteh at the cinema.

Nelson NKJV Mini version. This was not as small as the tiny KJV mentioned before, but it is pretty darn small. Fits in my handbag, along with a notebook for sermon notes. Good for carrying around, but I want something a bit bigger for my private study and reading time. This one was given to me by Changi Prison Chapel - Young People Chapter. Wow, that feels like a whole lifetime ago. But I am pleased to say some of them are still my dearest friends. Rhordan, Chin, Mok, Ray, Kok Hong, Thiru -I love you all, and I still love my little bible.

I think I will get myself to one of them shops this weekend and buy one. It's time, I feel myself entering another stage. I want to document it in parallel with the greatest story ever told.

PostscriptI really do have the best friends. The day after this post, I met one of the aforementioned people for dinner and he presents me with a brand new NKJV Nelson's bible.

How not to love him, you tell me?

If only

I think there are no words sadder than this. If only.

If only I knew then what I know now.
If only someone told me. (Chances are, someone did)
If only I hung in there longer.
If only I left when I had a chance.
If only I told him how I felt.

If only he loved me back.

But, I didn't, they tried, I refused to hang, I am still not leaving, I can't tell him and he doesn't.

Someone once told me, to get out of bad situtation, the key is to give it everything you've got to make it work. And if it still doesn't, get out and never look back.

People are always going on about how strong I am, and I am sick of it. The strong one, the rational one, the one that doesn't give up. I think I am ready to be weak, to be impetuous and to throw my hands up and say, "I am done!"

The question is, will I still be me?

Hanging with Hanan

There is nothing like eating large ice cream sundaes, looking at the one you love, and giggling over smears of fudge on each other's noses.

That's what I got to do yesterday. We went to Swensen's at Park Hotel and had a wonderful afternoon eating, talking and laughing over the strange things that happened to us during the week.

His classmate who had an "accident" in his pants.
My colleague's unfortunate heel caught in grate story.
His extremely pregnant teacher's propensity to drop her load at any time.

Later, as we walked hand in hand towards the train station, bellies full and hearts conjoined, we enjoyed a rousing game of "I spy". I like that I can be as serious, as silly, as young or as matured as I wanted to be with this young man I was walking next to.

It was good.

Knowing how it hurts

"I know how you feel."

"I've been there."

"This happened to me too."

A burden shared is a burden halved, I have heard it said. And my friends who say the above are the best people in the world with the best intentions. I know they are trying to comfort and bring on healing. Which is what makes it hard to say what I am about to.

You don't know how I feel. You may have a similar experience, but you and I are not identical.

You cannot possibly look at things the same way I do. While its easy to put human experiences into neat little boxes and label them "sad","happy" or "angry", there arte actually infinte permutations which may exceed the number of human beings there actually are.

So you don't know how it feels. And I don't know how you feel. But you can sit with me, hold my hand, let me cry a little, cry a little with me, and give me a hug on my last sniffle.

Knowing it hurts can be enough to comfort me. You don't need to know how it hurts.

Taxi Woes

Ok, I am just tired of hearing cabbies gripe about the recent fare hikes have rendered them fare-less, income-less and whatever the hell else-less. I get it. The fare hike means more people don't want to take taxis when buses and trains will do them fine.

But you know, I have hard days at work too. I also work up 12 hours a day, and I also feel like I am underpaid and overworked. At the end of the day, I am so tired that I feel like I can treat myself to a taxiride and the LAST THING I want to hear is how bad YOUR life is.

Forgive me if I sound churlish and you are a taxi driver and are affronted by my tirade. (Or you know a taxi driver or... I digress). But there are only so many ways a passenger can hint that they would rather just be queit and sunk into their own thoughts while still maintaining tact and being diplomatic. Please take our cues and leave us alone if we are doing any of these things:

1) Plugging in our headphones
2) Calling, smsing or generally fiddling with our phone.
3) Not making eye contact
4) Going "mm" , "ah" or "ya" to your impassioned statements of injustice
5) Not answering at all
6) Sitting back wth our eyes closed
7) Snoring
8) Reading a book or magazine or the "surcharges" sticker
9) Trying to open the door while the cab is moving
10) Writing "help me" signs and showing them to passing drivers

Life, Death and Matrimony

Lately I have been having many experiences that cross the 3 main events in a human being's life, so when a friend mentioned today that I haven't blogged in a long time, I thought I would like to talk about this.

This week alone, I attended one funeral, one wedding and 2 of my friends had babies. Quite a few of them are also pregnant, due "anytime now!" as they like to inform me.

The wedding was that of a friend from polytechnic, a happygolucky "take it easy policy" guy. As I watched the ceremony and the shy surreptitious smiles he was exchanging with his bride, I wondered how as a species we adapt to the 180 degree change in lifestyle which comes with marriage and children.

In today's world, change is the only constant. I remember thinking "wa lau, so cliche!" the first time I read that. But it is so true.

The funeral was of this colleague who worked at the Bowling Alley at the Club. He was 61, one year short of his retirement and rest. At his funeral, I found out he had a terminally ill wife, who was in ICU and didn't know he was dead. He was also sole custodian of his 2 grandchildren.

I wonder what his dreams must have been like when he got married, and his kids were born. The dreams he had. The ambition to be the best dad, husband, lover, colleague, friend. The things that I get to be at different times every day and never give a thought to. (well, except dad, cos I am a mum, but you get the picture.)

Then I think about Jesus speaking to his disciples and saying, I will be with you, even unto the ends of the earth. And that comforts me, knowing that in all my failures and planning and triumphs, I have Someone who will be constant. Does not change. Always the same.

Free Night

It's my first free night in a long while and I have no idea what to do. Otrie has a gig, Hanan is away at a chalet, I got nothing pressing at work to do.

Movie?
Dinner for one?
Shopping?
Drinks with a friend?

Or should I just go home and curl up and watch TV?

Gosh, I spend days wishing for a free evening and when it happens, I have no idea what to do.

As Hanan would say, this is so lame.

requiem for a neglected blogspace

Ah poor beloved page, where once I had run my thoughts across, without prejudice or pain. How I have missed you!

I am caught in a blogging dliemma, where if I penned down everything that has taken place, I would not have enough hours in a day to write, and yet, if I gloss over the past few weeks, I might as well not say anything.

It helps to have a blog where one is focused, like food bloggers, book bloggers or movie bloggers. Unfortunately, I am none of these, concentrated souls, who can speak their hearts, in short succint, well constructed posts.

Alas me, who tend to ramble, have little of predominant importance and have no reason to log in on a daily basis.

Maybe I should try to get focused. Write about things that have value, shelf life, substance.
.
.
.
Or I could give you 10 random facts abouy my life.

1) My new colleague gets eyelash extensions every 4 weeks, which make her look unnaturally camel-like. Its worse when they start falling out and she has "bald" patches in between

2) I can now say I am a published writer. The publication is my club magazine and the things I write about are society columns and event reports. But still!!

3) I was recently saddened by a best friend's decision to not have children. I don't know why it pains me so. Maybe it's because I want more and I can't, and she can, but doesn't want more.

4) I went to Chitty Chitty Bang Bang!!! It was fabulous!

5) I think the Dark Devotion dessert at TCC is awesome! It's a perfect chocolate cake with a molten centre, served with natural vanilla ice cream and some kind of fruit croulis. Heaven!

6) I miss church :( I haven't been in weeks and I am thirsty.

7) Going home from work the other day, I met the most interesting cab driver. He used to be a computer engineer, but decided that the stress wasn't worth it, and decided to drive a cab instead. That's so cool. I want to come to that place one day.

8) Happiness is irrelevant. Only joy remains.

9) I hate the fact that I am apparently the only one who knows how to google for information at work. Every body asks me stuff like I am some kind of walking encyclopedia, when all it takes is 15 secs on the computer. You have a computer. use it people! Its not a typewriter!

10) 5 months have passed at this place and I have done enough work for 2 years at my old company. Am still trying to decide if that's a good thing.

Goodbye Geraldine

Geraldine Lee was not the prettiest, nor the smartest, nor the wittiest girl around. She was merely kind, thoughtful, meek and happy. Not exactly award-winning characteristics in anybody's book. With characteristics like that, she would never have been a heroine in a Jane Austen novel, or star beside Johnny Depp in any pirate movie.

But Geraldine was a dreamer, and one of her dreams was to rise up out of her mediocre trade school beginnings and be counted among the foreign educated academics in society. And she was only 2 months away from her goal when her body was found in her room in faraway Brisbane, 3 days after her heart stopped beating its song of love and compassion.

My path crossed with Geraldine's when I auditioned for the Short Film Competition that she was entering 3 years ago. She finally selected me to be the evil witch in the film, and gave me her carefully drafted script like she was handing over the Holy Grail. Geraldine had the confidence to enter a competition with just a script and a dream, and the humility to allow her actors to tell her how to shoot it.
We didn't win. Maybe if we stopped micromanging, we might have.

Geraldine is a heroine alright. She had courage, determination, tenacity and an incredible force of will. All the traits that take us beyond existence to living.

Goodbye, Geradline. You spent your last days doing what you wanted most, and that makes your death a happy one. For you, at least. I hope at some point, we realise it as well.

The Confirmation Appraisal

It has been three months since I started this new job, and the time has come for the all important confirmation appraisal. That basically means that my boss and I have a chat about what I can and cannot do within my job scope, and whether its worthwhile for both of us to have me hang around to learn how to do the things i can't.

At least, that's how I always saw it. But this place does things a little differently. For one, I have to write things down, to go on record, in my file for all my time here.

Things like, what have I done that I am happy about, what keeps me from doing my best and how my boss can help me "accomplish those goals". (Aside: HR people should be banned from using words like goal, accomplish, target and develop. They throw it around like it was so much confetti.)

So I have to fill this thing in by the 9th. And apparently my boss has one to do too. Sigh

A couple of updates for you who have read other posts.
Remember Mr So-early? The one who gave me a hard time about leaving past 7? He resigned. Within 2 months, couldn't take the pressure. I should ask him, "Why you leave so early?" Ha ha.

My tough boss - I think I found her marshmallow centre. She wants what all human beings want, empathy for doing a tough job and doing it well, and friendship. QED.

Have any of you been here?

This post is a cop out, cos i am not really writing, but I thought I may have sympathisers out there.

A alternative headline for this post would be :"Interview with a vampire sympathiser". Nal is me, and Teemo is the VS.

[10:34] + . naL . +: u know X from ABC company?
[10:35] Teemo: of course i know him
[10:35] Teemo: Y?
[10:35] Teemo: he left there already
[10:35] + . naL . +: yeah, he left
[10:35] + . naL . +: then he keep calling me to sell me insurance
[10:35] + . naL . +: i buay tahan liao
[10:35] Teemo: give him a chance to share with u his services
[10:36] Teemo: no harm right?
[10:36] + . naL . +: i am already covered lah
[10:36] + . naL . +: dont want to waste my time or his, because I am not a prospect
[10:36] + . naL . +: u know what i mean
[10:36] + . naL . +: why bother? training ah?
[10:36] Teemo: ok then maybe u would like tell him the truth ,that will be good
[10:37] + . naL . +: i did lor
[10:37] Teemo: but i wanna share with u, the market sentiment is real good
[10:37] + . naL . +: yes, but i dont have any more money
[10:37] Teemo: good time to invest
[10:37] + . naL . +: my funds are tied up
[10:37] Teemo: i think he is referring to CPF
[10:37] + . naL . +: yes, i have 2 policies using CPF already
[10:38] + . naL . +: unless u think I should borrow money to invest
[10:38] Teemo: did u review whether the return is giving back u good rate?
[10:38] Teemo: thats where he comes in to help u
[10:38] + . naL . +: yep
[10:38] + . naL . +: just met my advisor 2 months ago
[10:39] + . naL . +: besides, why would I go to someone new?
[10:39] + . naL . +: makes more sense to go back to the same advisor right, since i already trust her?
[10:39] Teemo: he is sincere and shrewd in investment, monitor prices daily for clients
[10:39] Teemo: i mean thats wat he tells me
[10:39] + . naL . +: i am sure he is, but i really have no desire for the services he provides lah
[10:40] + . naL . +: if he ran a part time maid agency, i will need his help
[10:40] Teemo: btw did he share with u about estate planning?
[10:40] Teemo: haha
[10:40] + . naL . +: nope
[10:40] + . naL . +: i blew his off
[10:40] + . naL . +: him*
[10:40] + . naL . +: told him to stop spammin gme
[10:41] Teemo: ok lah give him some, he is just doing his job
[10:41] + . naL . +: sigh, its just annoying lah
[10:42] + . naL . +: anytime one of my frens goes into insurance or real estate, i stop being their friend, and start being a prospect
[10:42] + . naL . +: and then when i turn them down, they dont want to be frens anymore
[10:42] + . naL . +: i dont know how many more frens i will lose to this 2 industries
[10:43] + . naL . +: if i really bought from everyone, I will have all my salary paying premiums by now
[10:44] Teemo: i fully understand your feelings
[10:44] + . naL . +: thanks, i was hoping u would
[10:44] Teemo: probabaly is the way u reply them
[10:45] Teemo: or maybe they have their own agenda
[10:45] + . naL . +: ha ha, to say "stop spamming me" is too direct huh
[10:45] Teemo: maybe
[10:45] + . naL . +: point taken
[10:46] + . naL . +: i just didnt want to read about death and accidents everyday, first thing in the morning
[10:46] Teemo: u never know 1 day i may come to u too
[10:46] Teemo: haha
[10:46] + . naL . +: dont you dare man

Working for a tough boss

The last month or so has been an adventure into the world of the average Singaporean office worker - late nights, ridiculous deadlines and high stress.

Throw in the other elements that are unique to my situation, i.e. committees, unsatisfied members and a tough boss, and you will know why I haven't blogged in a while.

This may sound like a preamble to a long bitch session on how horrible my work life is, but its not. I actually learned quite a few things over the last month. I will call it:

Lessons on Learning

1) Learners cannot be egotistical. :) Nuff said, i think we all know what that means.

2) Learning from a tough teacher teaches a whole oter bunch of lessons that are not on the curriculum.

3) People feel sorry for you when you are learning, but that's ok!

4) You feel sorry for yourself while you are learning, but you have to keep reminding yourself what your goal is.

5) Learners who quit halfway have nothing to show for it. Sticking with it is hard, but anyone who has dropped ot of anything halfway knows that you lose something at the end.

I am also learning that most people, not matter how tough they are on the outside, have a marshmallow core - something that they will bend to. Find it, and you find the human within the iron lady.

Bourne Ultimatum - Movie Review

In the midst of what was a armrest gripping, teeth clenching, extreme excitement finale to the Bourne trilogy, I had a headache.

It was that darn handheld camera technique, which is what Director Paul Greengrass was selected for anyway. It broke every rule that film students were taught never to break - change in direction in the midst of continuity, extreme close up followed by extreme closeup, short edits, over-the-shoulder shots that were tight to the point of you wanting to physically move the person away so you can see Jason Bourne's tormented face.

And he looked like he had a headache too. All the amnesia, loss of love, injuries and paranoia really got to the man and he didn't crack a smile once in this movie, his forehead permanently crinkled.

And it was brillant, that juxtaposition of character and camera action. It really helped me relate to the character and all his confusion. So maybe all the problems that the movie had with continuity and jump shots were deliberate as well. (I won't get into them, but you can read them here.)

But what a ride, eh? All the globe trotting, car chasing, rooftop chase moments were in true represetation of Ludlum's genius of tension in the midst of action. And I love the fact that the women in this movie, Nikke Parson and Pamela Landy were portrayed as honest,loyal and righteous women who were neither femme fatale nor the weaker sex stereotype that generally women in this genre tend to carry, like so much baggage.

Worth every cent and definitely an apt ending to a wonderful story. I couldn't have cared more about what happens to Jason Bourne if I tried. And when your audience cares of the characters, that, my friends, is good cinematic story telling.

Early? But it's past 7!

It really bothers me that people equate working late to working hard.

Yesterday evening, I decided I had it. My eyes hurt, my brain was drained and not a single thought was running through my head. I didn't see the point in continuing to stare at my computer, so I started packing my things to leave.

"You are leaving? So early?"

I looked the the time. It was 7:40pm. I get off work (technically) at 6.

"It's not early. Its 7:40. What do you mean by early?"

Without waiting for a reply, I walked out of the office.

This morning, I was the first one in. And Mr So-early strolls in at 9:30 and says, "You know the rest of us were here till 9 yesterday."

I was tempted to say, if you spent less time chit chatting at the secretary's desk and taking coffee breaks, maybe you can finish your work quicker and go home "early" too.

But I will bide my time. Does anyone else have this problem with going home "early"?

Yes, its been a while...

Hi everyone, yes I know I have been missing for a while, but since I just started this job and all, I haven't really have had time to get online long enough to write something.

But today is Saturday and it's fairly quiet, so I thought I would take the opportunity to do a quick update.

I have been here 4 weeks now, and considering the amount of work I am doing, it feels like I have been here forever. They work like crazy here, the MarCom department and my boss is a stickler for perfection, so not only is there a lot of work to do, there is a high quality to do.

Just to make things more exciting, I have also joined for the half of the year where there are the most things happening, National Day, AGM, the groundbreaking for a new building, Christmas, New Year's , and the list goes on.

As with any large organisation, half the problems here are based on human error, especially communication errors. So I have to step quite carefully, especially when it comes to handling the members. Not that I am a particularly badly behaved individual, but Club etiquette is a whole other ball game.
People who come here are used to giving orders and treated like VIPS and somehow they feel justified to do it here as well.

I am sure I will have stories on this as time goes by :)

My only grouse with working here right now is the crazy hours. My boss practically lives here, going home only to shower and sleep. Everyone else is around at least till 9pm. I feel a little guilty leaving at 7 (!). But I think they will get used to it, especially if I still deliver. At least I hope so.

I realise this has been more a letter than a post, but hey, you didn't have to read it all.

See you all in a bit.

Plug for Miss?ed? - a radical play about marriage in the Yindian Community

The play ‘Miss?ed?’ mainly highlights the importance of marriage and marrying the right person. At present, in the Indian community, a high divorce rate is more worrying than high single rate and yet, too often our society has a negative view of single-hood. The society sees single-hood like a state that cannot be changed - an immortal condition destined to bring unfulfillment. The play questions whether an individual’s happiness in life is based on their marital status.

The play examines if single women are given the time to make the right choice in their life when it concerns marriage or are they conformed by social conditions. With wit, the play explores how singles are stereotyped, stigmatized, and pressurized to get married and the many reasons for their singlehood.

Miss?ed?, a thought provoking play, looks into issues such as financial security, an individual’s potential for growth, relationships, trust, betrayal, autonomy, power and also the price an individual has to pay because of some selfish and inquisitive people in our society.


When: 3rd to 5th August 2007
Time: 8pm
Venue: The Arts House (Old Parliament House)
Cost: $21 (adults) $16 (Students)
For tickets: 9475 3392 / 9229 9649

Work Opportunity

Hi all,

My ex-boss , Joyce, is looking for promoters for Trendmicro Anti-Virus Software. If any of you need a part time job or quick cash or both, please email me.

When: Sat and Sun from 12 - 9 pm for 4 weeks

Where: 4 different locations in Singapore

How Much: $50 a day (before commission)

How many: 4-5 promoters

So if you are interested and have a small amount of knowledge about IT, please contact her, ok?

When

When is it ok to say enough is enough, I want this to stop

When will I be able to hold what I had loved and wanted so long ago

When will I have the courage to say, no more of me, now it's all You

And when will the answer be "I am done with it, it's fixed. Now back to you."

John 14:27
Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.

How I know I no longer work in an IT company

1) I only have 10MB email space

2) Noone knows how to use the Q drive

3) I don't have a calculator on my desk

4) I have not used excel in a whole week

5) The radio is playing English music

6) People understand and respond to my one-liners

7) I haven't had to hear anyone say "Like that, hah?" all week

8) I receive no junk mail from anyone offering to sell me cheap Microsoft Suites

9) Noone knows how to change the toner in the laser printer

and the last indication that I no longer in IT

10) NO MORE DAMN PRICE LISTS TO DO!!!!!