Theatrical Terms

I can't remember who originally sent me this, or where I read it, but it made me hoot with laughter at the accuracy of the definition.

Since we are in Christmas pageant mode, I thought it appropriate to post here:-

Theatrical Terms Defined

Eternity - The time that passes between a dropped cue and the next line.

Prop - 1. A hand-carried object small enough to be lost by an actor shortly before it's needed on stage. 2. Anything that gets in the way of a scene change.

Director - The individual who suffers from the delusion that he or she is responsible for every moment of brilliance cited by the critic in the local review.

Blocking - The art of moving actors on the stage in such a manner as to not collide with the walls, furniture, orchestra pit or each other. Similar to playing chess, except the pawns want to argue.

Quality Theater - Any show with which you were directly involved.

Turkey - Every show with which you were not directly involved.

Final Dress Rehearsal - Rehearsal that becomes a whole new ball game as actors attempt to maneuver among the 49 objects that the set designer added at 7:30 that evening.

Tech Week - The last week of rehearsal when everything that was supposed to be done weeks before finally comes together at the last minute; reaches its grand climax on final dress rehearsal night when costumes rip, a dimmer pack catches fire and the director has a nervous breakdown.

Set - An obstacle course which, throughout the rehearsal period, defies the laws of physics by growing smaller week by week while continuing to occupy the same amount of space.

Monologue - That shining moment when all eyes are focused on a single actor who is desperately aware that if he forgets a line, no one can save him.

Bit Part - An opportunity for the actor with the smallest role to count everybody else's lines and mention repeatedly that he or she has the smallest part in the show.

Dark Spot - The stage area which the lighting designer has inexplicably forgotten to light, and which has a magnetic attraction for the first-time actor. A dark spot is never evident before opening night.

Hands - Appendages at the end of the arms used for manipulating one's environment, except on a stage, where they grow six times their normal size and either dangle uselessly, fidget nervously, or try to hide in your pockets.

Stage Manager - Individual responsible for overseeing the crew, supervising the set changes, baby-sitting the actors and putting the director in a hammerlock to keep him from killing the actor who just decided to turn his walk-on part into a major role by doing magic tricks while he serves the tea.

Lighting Director - Individual who, from the only vantage point offering a full view of the stage, gives the stage manager a heart attack by announcing a play-by-play of everything that's going wrong. One who whines, throws fits, and says "This is the last show I'm doing here! I swear to God !"

Makeup Kit - among experienced community theater actors, a battered tackle box loaded with at least 10 shades of greasepaint in various stages of desiccation, tubes of lipstick and blush, assorted pencils, bobby pins, braids of crepe hair, liquid latex, old programs, jewelry, break-a-leg greeting cards from past shows, brushes and a handful of half-melted cough drops.

Stage Crew - Group of individuals who spend their evenings coping with 50-minute stretches of total boredom interspersed with 30-second bursts of mindless panic.

Strike - The time immediately following the last performance that all cast and crew members are required to watch the two people who own Makita screw drivers dismantle the set.

Actors - People who stand between the audience and the set designer's art, blocking the view. That's also the origin of the word "blocking," by the way.

Stage Right, Stage Left - Two simple directions actors pretend not to understand in order to drive directors crazy. ( "No, no, your OTHER right !" )