Tutoring Epiphany

I tutor 2 Seconday One boys - twins, who having accidentally found themselves relegated to the Normal Technical Stream,(which is the same as saying "Welcome to trade school"), are now trying to get back into an academic stream.

These boys are not dumb. I found that out in the first lesson. They have great lateral thinking skills, they are able to communicate ideas clearly, and have deciphering skills superior to some adults I know.

So I set about to find out why they were not doing well in school. A learning disorder, perhaps. Or maybe a weak foundation. It turns out the answer simpler than that.

They were suffering from the Running the Mouth Off Disorder. Ok, this is probably not the right term for it, but I have observed this in my twin cousins, and now again in these boys. These boys love each other so much, that they cannot bear the thought of one of them doing better and leaving the other, that they perpetually "dumb" each other down.

It can be something as innocuous as a snide remark when one makes a mistake. Or a sarcastic, "Wah, you so smart, ah you" when one gets an answer the other one doesn't. When one scores higher than the other for a test, almost immediately, I can see the higher scorer start slacking off or day dreaming, giving the other a chance to catch up, and to play down the poison darts being hurled by the other's tongue.

And all these, totally unconciously.

So finally I decided to call it to their attention. Mainly because that day particularly, it was going on for too long, and eating into our precious 11/2 hours. I explained to them that by constantly tearing each other down, they were contributing to their failure in their short term goals, and totally annihiliating their long term ones. I told about the "crab mentality" and how the power of life and death is in your tongue.

Finally I said I didn't want to have to hear it anymore. If you have postive, congratulatory things to say, go ahead and talk yourself blue. But ribbing, snide remarks and sarcasm will be punished by lines or something equally mundane.

And so it stopped. One thing about these boys, they really try hard. Once in a while I see one or the other have some smart remark on the tip of his tongue, which he swallows and looks at me beseechingly. I usually nod my encouragement. Acknowledging the effort is so much easier than having to constant check the wrong doing.

I don't know if they do it outside of tuition, or if are subject to it in school or at home, but every week for about 5 hours, they refrain and I hope that restraint teaches them something.

So often we tear people down by what we say. Parents, teachers, friends, no one is exempt. And we try and brush it off with a "Joking lah!" or "Why you so sensitive?", but truly, what you say can make or break a person.

A man who lacks judgment derides his neighbor, but a man of understanding holds his tongue - Proverbs 11:12
It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open your mouth and remove all doubt. --Samuel Clemmens (Mark Twain)