Recently some of my friends and fellow bloggers have been getting all kinds of abuse for putting up content that offends the sensibilities of their readers. They have not been particularly abusive - no one is in danger of being exposed to the law or beaten up by screaming women or anything like that. They are just angry that the blog does not represent their point of view.
Unfortunately blogging has allowed us to make our private thoughts public. Things that used to be writtens in diaries, whispered among friends, or at most discussed loudly over teh tarik in coffee shops, is now online for the whole world to see.
I remember Otrie getting very upset because I had made a less-than-congratulatory remark about a lady in my salsa class who annoyed me to death. He felt that I shouldn't say that about her in a public blog. Till, now I wonder, why not? It's my opinion and my blog.
If I was writing in a salsa community blog, I may not have been so open in my criticism though. I may have changed her name, called it a hypothethical situation, or written in the most general terms about the incident. But my blog is about my life, and if you are in my life, I will surely write about you.
I will however, not do the following:-
1) Lift content of someone else's blog, website or book, and pass it of as my own.
2) Say anything that may destroy a person's reputation e.g. call someone a playa when I know he is not :-)
Not every blogger has the same scruples I have. They may have more. They may have less. The point is, they are free to manage their blogs however they want. ANd if you don't like it, stop reading. Its just like changing the channel when Kylie Kwong comes on. I don't have to watch it, I can turn it off.
Blog: Blog is the contraction universally used for weblog, a type of website where entries are made (such as in a journal or diary), displayed in a reverse chronological order.
Blogs often provide commentary or news on a particular subject, such as food, politics, or local news; some function as more personal online diaries. A typical blog combines text, images, and links to other blogs, web pages, and other media related to its topic. Most blogs are primarily textual although some focus on photographs (photoblog), videos (vlog), or audio (podcasting), and are part of a wider network of social media.
(Definition by Wikipedia, bold and italics my own)
Thursday, September 28
Wednesday, September 27
It's pure trash and I love it
Desperate Housewives is the most removed from reality show there is. Which makes for a welcome break from all the reality shows of course. But honestly,the amount of suspension of disbeleif required to sit through an episode is mindboggling.
1) There is no way there is such a large concentration of single, thin, rich white housewives in one neighbourhood. Especially when statistics show 1 in 4 American women is a lard ass.
2) Edie is however a reality. Every neighbourhood has one - the shameless hussy that throws herself at every man from 7 to 70. Mine lives on the 3rd floor and runs a door to door yakult selling business.
3) That level of family dysfunctionality is not based on any reality. Most families are way more dysfunctional than that. A household where a woman comes home and kisses her stay home husband? Please. Its all she can do to not look at him like the lazy good for nothing worm that he is. And a woman who sends her boyfriend's son to his death in UTAH, so she can keep the man at home? I know this is desperate housewives, but really, no woman is as heartless as that. We are more likely to lie and connive and turn the man against his own son, so he will send him to UTAH to his death.
4)Children are nuts. Its a fact. Deal with it. Don't trust in time outs, bribes, negotiation or cajoling. You are bigger. Use brute force. The end. One day they will thank you for not allowing them to kill themselves when they were 5. The no-hitting-chldren rule is the biggest, most crippling lie the devil ever told us.
NB: I am not talking about abuse here. I am saying there is a place for capital discipline.
5) If ever a neighbour moves in next door, and you hear weird sounds coming from their basement, don't ignore them. Call the police.
I love desperate housewives. All that eye candy is a definite plus (men included) but the best thing about it is how you can totally remove yourself from reality for one hour. And really appreciate your comparitively normal life once the hour is up.
1) There is no way there is such a large concentration of single, thin, rich white housewives in one neighbourhood. Especially when statistics show 1 in 4 American women is a lard ass.
2) Edie is however a reality. Every neighbourhood has one - the shameless hussy that throws herself at every man from 7 to 70. Mine lives on the 3rd floor and runs a door to door yakult selling business.
3) That level of family dysfunctionality is not based on any reality. Most families are way more dysfunctional than that. A household where a woman comes home and kisses her stay home husband? Please. Its all she can do to not look at him like the lazy good for nothing worm that he is. And a woman who sends her boyfriend's son to his death in UTAH, so she can keep the man at home? I know this is desperate housewives, but really, no woman is as heartless as that. We are more likely to lie and connive and turn the man against his own son, so he will send him to UTAH to his death.
4)Children are nuts. Its a fact. Deal with it. Don't trust in time outs, bribes, negotiation or cajoling. You are bigger. Use brute force. The end. One day they will thank you for not allowing them to kill themselves when they were 5. The no-hitting-chldren rule is the biggest, most crippling lie the devil ever told us.
NB: I am not talking about abuse here. I am saying there is a place for capital discipline.
5) If ever a neighbour moves in next door, and you hear weird sounds coming from their basement, don't ignore them. Call the police.
I love desperate housewives. All that eye candy is a definite plus (men included) but the best thing about it is how you can totally remove yourself from reality for one hour. And really appreciate your comparitively normal life once the hour is up.
Monday, September 25
Things I want to do to revamp my house
Shanker, thanks to your inspiring blogs about your house (which you can't do a damn thing about), here is my wish list of revamp ideas for mine (because I can)
1) Get rid of the fish tank that we are currently using only for breeding mosquitoes and the soothing sound of rushing water
2) Throw away or slipcover the atrociously dinghy and dirty sofa set and reinforce the bottom so that it will no longer sag.
3) Buy a proper CD storage device, so that we won't have CDs in 5 different locations like we do now. Ikea, here I come.
4) Organise a day to sit down with Hanan and get rid of all the junk in his toyroom, so that we can move them all into his bedroom. Then I can reclaim the space and...and... do stuff with it. (to be advised)
5) Replace dining room chairs. They are in such a sad state, covers all torn with the sponge leaking out from all directions.
Finish the whole thing with a good paint job, and voila, as good as new!!!
1) Get rid of the fish tank that we are currently using only for breeding mosquitoes and the soothing sound of rushing water
2) Throw away or slipcover the atrociously dinghy and dirty sofa set and reinforce the bottom so that it will no longer sag.
3) Buy a proper CD storage device, so that we won't have CDs in 5 different locations like we do now. Ikea, here I come.
4) Organise a day to sit down with Hanan and get rid of all the junk in his toyroom, so that we can move them all into his bedroom. Then I can reclaim the space and...and... do stuff with it. (to be advised)
5) Replace dining room chairs. They are in such a sad state, covers all torn with the sponge leaking out from all directions.
Finish the whole thing with a good paint job, and voila, as good as new!!!
Sunday, September 24
The end of the innocence
The day has finally come when I can no longer protect my offspring from the evil in the world. He now has to learn to discern and fend for himself, and I only hope that I have provided enough of a fundamental foundation to help him with his decisions.
Flashback 1....
... we were on the bus, going for his weekly swimming lesson when Hanan turns to me and says, "Mummy, what does 'butoh' mean?" I blanch and play it down by giving a half hearted giggle and saying, "Where did you hear that, son?"
"The boys I play with always call me that. They told me it means, I am very smart". My heart bled. Not only was my son called a nasty word for the first time in his life, but he also fell for the evil childhood trick of let's-teach-the-dummy-the-wrong-word-and-watch-the-ensuing-hilarity.
I told him. With no embellishments, or sugar coating, I told my 7 year old what butoh meant, and what his friends were doing when they lied about the meaning.
Hanan went quiet. His fists clenched. The skin around his mouth tightened as he gritted his teeth. He turned to me and said in an icy, determined voice, "I am going to kill them."
After convincing him that homicide wasn't the answer and promising to have words with the kids in question, I wondered what to say to my son.My options were:-
1) Teach him the "sticks and stones" response.
2) Teach him how to give as good as he gets.
3) Introduce him to some new friends
In the end I settled for a combination of all three (after covering the spiritual aspect of the situation rather thouroughly, of course). I hope it helps him.
I do realise this means the end of one stage of Hanan's childhood. After this will come his own experimentation with rude words, and I hope he will be equipped to deal with it in a mature way.
Flashback 2...
... a 5 year old girl with long ponytails watches as 2 slightly older boys horse around in a playground, near the sandpit she is playing in. In the struggle, the elastic on one boy's shorts snaps and he watches in horror as his pants fall to his ankles, revealing no underpants and a rather small willy.
The other boy seizes the moment, to lock his hapless friend's arms behind his head while he starts up the chant of "kuku chiao, kuku chiao" taken up by the rest of the innocents. The victim fights back angrily at first, his face and ears red with embarrassment and anger. But at some point, resignation crosses his face and his body becomes limp,as the exhaustion of defeat takes over.
At that moment, his tormentor decides that this is no longer fun and let's the boy fall in a crumpled heap. Without a ringleader, the other kids also wander off.
I watch this and learnt an important lesson that day. I don't think I need to spell out what it was.
Flashback 1....
... we were on the bus, going for his weekly swimming lesson when Hanan turns to me and says, "Mummy, what does 'butoh' mean?" I blanch and play it down by giving a half hearted giggle and saying, "Where did you hear that, son?"
"The boys I play with always call me that. They told me it means, I am very smart". My heart bled. Not only was my son called a nasty word for the first time in his life, but he also fell for the evil childhood trick of let's-teach-the-dummy-the-wrong-word-and-watch-the-ensuing-hilarity.
I told him. With no embellishments, or sugar coating, I told my 7 year old what butoh meant, and what his friends were doing when they lied about the meaning.
Hanan went quiet. His fists clenched. The skin around his mouth tightened as he gritted his teeth. He turned to me and said in an icy, determined voice, "I am going to kill them."
After convincing him that homicide wasn't the answer and promising to have words with the kids in question, I wondered what to say to my son.My options were:-
1) Teach him the "sticks and stones" response.
2) Teach him how to give as good as he gets.
3) Introduce him to some new friends
In the end I settled for a combination of all three (after covering the spiritual aspect of the situation rather thouroughly, of course). I hope it helps him.
I do realise this means the end of one stage of Hanan's childhood. After this will come his own experimentation with rude words, and I hope he will be equipped to deal with it in a mature way.
Flashback 2...
... a 5 year old girl with long ponytails watches as 2 slightly older boys horse around in a playground, near the sandpit she is playing in. In the struggle, the elastic on one boy's shorts snaps and he watches in horror as his pants fall to his ankles, revealing no underpants and a rather small willy.
The other boy seizes the moment, to lock his hapless friend's arms behind his head while he starts up the chant of "kuku chiao, kuku chiao" taken up by the rest of the innocents. The victim fights back angrily at first, his face and ears red with embarrassment and anger. But at some point, resignation crosses his face and his body becomes limp,as the exhaustion of defeat takes over.
At that moment, his tormentor decides that this is no longer fun and let's the boy fall in a crumpled heap. Without a ringleader, the other kids also wander off.
I watch this and learnt an important lesson that day. I don't think I need to spell out what it was.
Thursday, September 21
It finally happened
I don't know if it's my body's unconscious need for a break, or all the stress that I am been facing lately, or really just bad weather and viruses everywhere, but I have finally fallen ill for the first time this year.
It feels weird, to be in bed, incapacitated and utterly miserable. I feel like I should be able to stand up, shake it off, and get on with life. Tried that, to abject failure yesterday. I realise that if you don't rest, your body will just shut down on its own. Otherwise known as passing out. A wise part of me said, "Nalinee, just shut up and go to the doctor!" So I did.
I realise that its hard for me to explain to a doctor what's wrong. I think that has something to do with the fear of being caught malingering (I have mum to thank for that, Ms 5 years with no MC!), so I am always nervous going to see a doctor. Sometimes also nervous that he will find out I am dying of something, which I would rather not know about.
Feared Scenario No 1
"You Liar! There is nothing wrong with you! You are just a lazy arse that doesn't want to work, right? No MC, go back to work now!"
Feared Scenario No 2
" Oh my God! Why didnt you come see me about this earlier? Its too late, we can't help you anymore! Have you made out your will?"
Paranoid? Maybe. But here is a confession. I have nothing but contempt for people who take MCs at least once a month. I am sure they are lying. I always think they probably had a late night and are hungover and couldn't be arsed to come to work.
Therefore when I am sick and on MC (like now), that's what I think they are saying about me.
OK, enough, I think. Time to get back to the pills, antibiotics and fluids cocktail. I will catch up on the flip side of this bug, or whatever. And if it is a horrible undetectable disease I am dying of, I bequeath all my worldy possessions to Hanan. All $250 worth of them.
It feels weird, to be in bed, incapacitated and utterly miserable. I feel like I should be able to stand up, shake it off, and get on with life. Tried that, to abject failure yesterday. I realise that if you don't rest, your body will just shut down on its own. Otherwise known as passing out. A wise part of me said, "Nalinee, just shut up and go to the doctor!" So I did.
I realise that its hard for me to explain to a doctor what's wrong. I think that has something to do with the fear of being caught malingering (I have mum to thank for that, Ms 5 years with no MC!), so I am always nervous going to see a doctor. Sometimes also nervous that he will find out I am dying of something, which I would rather not know about.
Feared Scenario No 1
"You Liar! There is nothing wrong with you! You are just a lazy arse that doesn't want to work, right? No MC, go back to work now!"
Feared Scenario No 2
" Oh my God! Why didnt you come see me about this earlier? Its too late, we can't help you anymore! Have you made out your will?"
Paranoid? Maybe. But here is a confession. I have nothing but contempt for people who take MCs at least once a month. I am sure they are lying. I always think they probably had a late night and are hungover and couldn't be arsed to come to work.
Therefore when I am sick and on MC (like now), that's what I think they are saying about me.
OK, enough, I think. Time to get back to the pills, antibiotics and fluids cocktail. I will catch up on the flip side of this bug, or whatever. And if it is a horrible undetectable disease I am dying of, I bequeath all my worldy possessions to Hanan. All $250 worth of them.
Tuesday, September 19
Not everything is about heartbreak
Some of us have
great stories... pretty stories
that take place at lakes with
boats and friends and noodle
salad. Just not anybody in this
car. But lots of people -- that's
their story -- good times and
noodle salad... and that's what
makes it hard. Not that you had
it bad but being that pissed that
so many had it good.
- Melvin Udall (As Good As It Gets)
In an extremely well written and beautiful movie, that is the line that reaches me the most. Happy people with happy stories and the jealous onlookers.
"As good at it gets" is on HBO. Again. Probably for the 400th time. But I will watch it everytime I can, because it tells the truth about love. Love is hard. And you don't have to be obsessive compulsive, a broke waitress or a gay artist to know that.
If you are script obsessed as I am, you can read the full script to this wonderful film here.
great stories... pretty stories
that take place at lakes with
boats and friends and noodle
salad. Just not anybody in this
car. But lots of people -- that's
their story -- good times and
noodle salad... and that's what
makes it hard. Not that you had
it bad but being that pissed that
so many had it good.
- Melvin Udall (As Good As It Gets)
In an extremely well written and beautiful movie, that is the line that reaches me the most. Happy people with happy stories and the jealous onlookers.
"As good at it gets" is on HBO. Again. Probably for the 400th time. But I will watch it everytime I can, because it tells the truth about love. Love is hard. And you don't have to be obsessive compulsive, a broke waitress or a gay artist to know that.
If you are script obsessed as I am, you can read the full script to this wonderful film here.
Thursday, September 14
Hand in my pocket - Alanis Morrisette.
Sing along everyone. It's cathartic
I'm broke but I'm happy
I'm poor but I'm kind
I'm short but I'm healthy, yeah
I'm high but I'm grounded
I'm sane but I'm overwhelmed
I'm lost but I'm hopeful baby
What it all comes down to
Is that everything's gonna be fine fine fine
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving a high five
I feel drunk but I'm sober
I'm young and I'm underpaid
I'm tired but I'm working, yeah
I care but I'm worthless
I'm here but I'm really gone
I'm wrong and I'm sorry baby
What it all comes down to
Is that everything's gonna be quite alright
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is flicking a cigarette
What it all comes down to
Is that I haven't got it all figured out just yet
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving the peace sign
I'm free but I'm focused
I'm green but I'm wise
I'm shy but I'm friendly baby
I'm sad but I'm laughing
I'm brave but I'm chicken shit
I'm sick but I'm pretty baby
And what it all boils down to
Is that no one's really got it figured out just yet
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is playing the piano
What it all comes down to my friends
Is that everything's just fine fine fine
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is hailing a taxicab.
I'm broke but I'm happy
I'm poor but I'm kind
I'm short but I'm healthy, yeah
I'm high but I'm grounded
I'm sane but I'm overwhelmed
I'm lost but I'm hopeful baby
What it all comes down to
Is that everything's gonna be fine fine fine
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving a high five
I feel drunk but I'm sober
I'm young and I'm underpaid
I'm tired but I'm working, yeah
I care but I'm worthless
I'm here but I'm really gone
I'm wrong and I'm sorry baby
What it all comes down to
Is that everything's gonna be quite alright
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is flicking a cigarette
What it all comes down to
Is that I haven't got it all figured out just yet
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving the peace sign
I'm free but I'm focused
I'm green but I'm wise
I'm shy but I'm friendly baby
I'm sad but I'm laughing
I'm brave but I'm chicken shit
I'm sick but I'm pretty baby
And what it all boils down to
Is that no one's really got it figured out just yet
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is playing the piano
What it all comes down to my friends
Is that everything's just fine fine fine
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is hailing a taxicab.
Wednesday, September 13
Mama is ok! - modern communication device
It was a tense coupla days. We had word on Sunday through Yahoo messenger that my mother in law expereinced some chest pains and had to go into the hospital in Chicago for some test. The results came out ok, but they wanted to this one additional test where they put a scope in through her leg, up to her heart to see if they missed anything.
After a few days of anxious waiting, bickering (otrie and me) and other related stress busters, we finally heard back from the folks in chicago via sms that her heart is in very good shape.
While we are busy being thankful to God for prolonging her life (she's 82), I am also thankful for the modern tools of communication we have that allow us to convey important information like this for virtually nothing.
In the old days, it would have meant an expensive phone call, truncated telegram or the impersonal fax. If you go even further back, it would have been the post, which will take at least a week to get here.
So thank God for sms, msn, yahoo, email and skype. We don't say it enough.
P.S Oh yeah, and thank God for the go-through-leg-to-look-at-heart scope as well. :) We are so glad you are ok, mama!
After a few days of anxious waiting, bickering (otrie and me) and other related stress busters, we finally heard back from the folks in chicago via sms that her heart is in very good shape.
While we are busy being thankful to God for prolonging her life (she's 82), I am also thankful for the modern tools of communication we have that allow us to convey important information like this for virtually nothing.
In the old days, it would have meant an expensive phone call, truncated telegram or the impersonal fax. If you go even further back, it would have been the post, which will take at least a week to get here.
So thank God for sms, msn, yahoo, email and skype. We don't say it enough.
P.S Oh yeah, and thank God for the go-through-leg-to-look-at-heart scope as well. :) We are so glad you are ok, mama!
Monday, September 11
Saturday Blitz
After ignoring the huge mountain of laundry sitting on the bed,I decided there was only one way to spend this Saturday - doing kiddie stuff.
Firstly, because there was this slight twinge of guilt of having so many nights out when it was the one week school holiday. But more importantly because sometimes adulthood and its "responsibilities" suck, so a little regression is good for the soul.
First stop - junk food brunch. Hanan and I we for what had the best kiddie toy, instead of any nutrition hangups. BK won, hands down. Then we went to Timezone for $20 worth of pure un"adult"erated motorcross and fast car driving. Hanan has zero control over his cars, poor fellow. Better with bikes. We also played a few of those other, more easy to win games, like pinball (LOTR no less) and bowling. I was pleased to note that he did not insist on playing any shooting related games, although I said he could play anything he wanted. My young padwan, taught well, he has been.
We had a whopping 276 points when we were done, so we decided to go to the gift redemption counter to see what kinda loot we could get. I was looking at all the munchies and the games and toys when Hanan turns to me and reveals he has his eye on the Faber Castell mechanical pencil and lead set. !!!
Having finished with Timezone, we decided to go down to the atrium sale at CWP and see what they have. Turns out the megablocks pirate series that I have had my eye on for a while as been marked down to $3 (u.P $7.95!) Score! We bought all three sets and went home for a fun afternoon for pirate island building. Savvy?
I hope one day Hanan looks back on this day with fond memories and tells his kids how cool their Paati was when she was younger.
Unfortunately we had to shorten our deep sea adventure for Hanan's swimming lessons. Poor kid missed 2 lessons and his stamina is at an all time low. At some points he was really struggling. I guess I should bring him swimming more often in between also to help him out. and God knows I need the exercise too.
Firstly, because there was this slight twinge of guilt of having so many nights out when it was the one week school holiday. But more importantly because sometimes adulthood and its "responsibilities" suck, so a little regression is good for the soul.
First stop - junk food brunch. Hanan and I we for what had the best kiddie toy, instead of any nutrition hangups. BK won, hands down. Then we went to Timezone for $20 worth of pure un"adult"erated motorcross and fast car driving. Hanan has zero control over his cars, poor fellow. Better with bikes. We also played a few of those other, more easy to win games, like pinball (LOTR no less) and bowling. I was pleased to note that he did not insist on playing any shooting related games, although I said he could play anything he wanted. My young padwan, taught well, he has been.
We had a whopping 276 points when we were done, so we decided to go to the gift redemption counter to see what kinda loot we could get. I was looking at all the munchies and the games and toys when Hanan turns to me and reveals he has his eye on the Faber Castell mechanical pencil and lead set. !!!
Having finished with Timezone, we decided to go down to the atrium sale at CWP and see what they have. Turns out the megablocks pirate series that I have had my eye on for a while as been marked down to $3 (u.P $7.95!) Score! We bought all three sets and went home for a fun afternoon for pirate island building. Savvy?
I hope one day Hanan looks back on this day with fond memories and tells his kids how cool their Paati was when she was younger.
Unfortunately we had to shorten our deep sea adventure for Hanan's swimming lessons. Poor kid missed 2 lessons and his stamina is at an all time low. At some points he was really struggling. I guess I should bring him swimming more often in between also to help him out. and God knows I need the exercise too.
Friday, September 8
Why I don't work in customer service - a rant
I hate customers.
I know they are the lifeblood of every business yadda yadda yadda.. but really, they suck. Here are a few case studies from today (just one day!) that may help you understand why customers suck.
Case #1
Guy puts down delivery address as Tampines. We despatch the driver there post haste because he says its urgent. 10 Minutes before driver gets there, customer calls and says, err.. can you deliver to Boon Lay instead? To non-Singaporeans, thats like changing the delivery address to Washington State after first specifying Florida.
Case #2
She-imp calls up and complains that we are late with delivery, even though no promise of delivery date was made. Says with maximum sarcasm "Wah, you all, collect money so fast, but delivery take so long ah?"
Maybe this is the first time she is buying stuff after rejoining society, leaving behind the wolves that raised her.
Case #3
Old geezer calls up.
OG: "I want to return the printer."
Me: "Why sir? what's wrong with it?"
OG: " My computer has no UPS connector!"
Me: "Sir, do you mean USB?"
OG: "Yeah, you all never tell me I need this UPS port!"
Me: "Yes, but Sir, we specified that it comes with a USB cable. Surely that would have indicated the need for USB connection."
OG: "How I know? I am an old man. I dunno this new gadgets all. Anyway I still cannot use it. The brochure says Win 98 and upwards, my computer is running on Windows 95"
Me: *Faint*
Case #4
Customer calls, sounds irritated.
Cus: "When are you going to deliver my goods? I wait since Wednesday you know."
Me: " Well, ma'am, I am pleased to tell you that your goods will be delivered today!"
Cus: "Oh, today cannot! I not in."
Me: *Bang head against receiver*
I know they are the lifeblood of every business yadda yadda yadda.. but really, they suck. Here are a few case studies from today (just one day!) that may help you understand why customers suck.
Case #1
Guy puts down delivery address as Tampines. We despatch the driver there post haste because he says its urgent. 10 Minutes before driver gets there, customer calls and says, err.. can you deliver to Boon Lay instead? To non-Singaporeans, thats like changing the delivery address to Washington State after first specifying Florida.
Case #2
She-imp calls up and complains that we are late with delivery, even though no promise of delivery date was made. Says with maximum sarcasm "Wah, you all, collect money so fast, but delivery take so long ah?"
Maybe this is the first time she is buying stuff after rejoining society, leaving behind the wolves that raised her.
Case #3
Old geezer calls up.
OG: "I want to return the printer."
Me: "Why sir? what's wrong with it?"
OG: " My computer has no UPS connector!"
Me: "Sir, do you mean USB?"
OG: "Yeah, you all never tell me I need this UPS port!"
Me: "Yes, but Sir, we specified that it comes with a USB cable. Surely that would have indicated the need for USB connection."
OG: "How I know? I am an old man. I dunno this new gadgets all. Anyway I still cannot use it. The brochure says Win 98 and upwards, my computer is running on Windows 95"
Me: *Faint*
Case #4
Customer calls, sounds irritated.
Cus: "When are you going to deliver my goods? I wait since Wednesday you know."
Me: " Well, ma'am, I am pleased to tell you that your goods will be delivered today!"
Cus: "Oh, today cannot! I not in."
Me: *Bang head against receiver*
Thursday, September 7
Y'allbonics
Speaking of new and intersting languages, here's one that one of my friends in West Virginia (who is a self confessed Reformed Hick sent me.
For practical lessons, please watch reruns of the Beverly Hillbillies.
Y'ALLBONICS: ANY GOOD SOUTH'NER WORTH THEIR WEIGHT IN PEACHES WILL
UNDERSTAND EVERY SINGLE WORD BELOW!
The Association of Southern Schools has decided to pursue some of the
seemingly endless taxpayer dollar pipeline through Washington designating
Southern slang, or Y'allbonics, as a language to be taught in all Southern
schools. The following are excerpts from the Y'allbonics/English dictionary.
1.) HEIDI - (noun) -Greeting.
2.) HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting.
Usage: "Heidi, Hire yew?"
3.) BARD - (verb) - Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."
4.) JAWJUH - (noun) - The state north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck and took it to
Lanner."
5.) BAMMER - (noun) - The state west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayam.
Usage: "A tornader jes went through Bammer an' left $20,000,000 in improvements."
6.) MUNTS - (noun) - A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck,and I ain't herd from him in munts."
7.) THANK - (verb) - Cognitive process.
Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."
8.) BARE - (noun) - An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast.
Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."
9.) IGNERT - (adjective) - Not smart. See "Arkansas native."
Usage: "Them bammer boys sure are ignert!"
10.) RANCH - (noun)- tool used for tight'nin' bolts.
Usage: "I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."
11.) ALL - (noun) - A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."
12.) FAR - (noun) - A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that thing's gonna catch far."
13.) TAR - (noun) - A rubber wheel.
Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."
14.) TIRE - (noun) - A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise,I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."
15.) RETARD - (verb) - To stop working.
Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."
16.) FAT - (noun), (verb) - a battle or combat; to engage in battle or combat.
Usage: "You younguns keep fat'n, n' ah'm gonna whup y'uh."
17.) RATS - (noun) - Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."
18.) CHEER - (adverb) In this place.
Usage: "Just set that bare rat cheer".
19.) FARN - (adjective) - Not domestic.
Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed ...must be from some farn country."
20.) DID - (adjective) - Not alive.
Usage: "He's did, Jim."
21.) ARE - (noun) - A colorless, odorless gas containing oxygen.
Usage: "He cain't breathe ... give 'im some ARE!"
22.) BOB WAR - (noun) - A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."
23.) JEW HERE - (noun) and (verb) contraction.
Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?"
24.) HAZE - a contraction.
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah .... haze ignert.
He ain't thanked but a minnit'n 'is laf."
25.) SEED -(verb) - past tense of "to see".
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City".
26.) VIEW - contraction (verb) and pronoun.
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City ... view?"
27.) GUBMINT - (noun) - A bureaucratic institution.
Usage: "Them gubmint boys shore is ignert."
For practical lessons, please watch reruns of the Beverly Hillbillies.
Y'ALLBONICS: ANY GOOD SOUTH'NER WORTH THEIR WEIGHT IN PEACHES WILL
UNDERSTAND EVERY SINGLE WORD BELOW!
The Association of Southern Schools has decided to pursue some of the
seemingly endless taxpayer dollar pipeline through Washington designating
Southern slang, or Y'allbonics, as a language to be taught in all Southern
schools. The following are excerpts from the Y'allbonics/English dictionary.
1.) HEIDI - (noun) -Greeting.
2.) HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting.
Usage: "Heidi, Hire yew?"
3.) BARD - (verb) - Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."
4.) JAWJUH - (noun) - The state north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck and took it to
Lanner."
5.) BAMMER - (noun) - The state west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayam.
Usage: "A tornader jes went through Bammer an' left $20,000,000 in improvements."
6.) MUNTS - (noun) - A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck,and I ain't herd from him in munts."
7.) THANK - (verb) - Cognitive process.
Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."
8.) BARE - (noun) - An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast.
Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."
9.) IGNERT - (adjective) - Not smart. See "Arkansas native."
Usage: "Them bammer boys sure are ignert!"
10.) RANCH - (noun)- tool used for tight'nin' bolts.
Usage: "I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."
11.) ALL - (noun) - A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."
12.) FAR - (noun) - A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that thing's gonna catch far."
13.) TAR - (noun) - A rubber wheel.
Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."
14.) TIRE - (noun) - A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise,I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."
15.) RETARD - (verb) - To stop working.
Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."
16.) FAT - (noun), (verb) - a battle or combat; to engage in battle or combat.
Usage: "You younguns keep fat'n, n' ah'm gonna whup y'uh."
17.) RATS - (noun) - Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."
18.) CHEER - (adverb) In this place.
Usage: "Just set that bare rat cheer".
19.) FARN - (adjective) - Not domestic.
Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed ...must be from some farn country."
20.) DID - (adjective) - Not alive.
Usage: "He's did, Jim."
21.) ARE - (noun) - A colorless, odorless gas containing oxygen.
Usage: "He cain't breathe ... give 'im some ARE!"
22.) BOB WAR - (noun) - A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."
23.) JEW HERE - (noun) and (verb) contraction.
Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?"
24.) HAZE - a contraction.
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah .... haze ignert.
He ain't thanked but a minnit'n 'is laf."
25.) SEED -(verb) - past tense of "to see".
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City".
26.) VIEW - contraction (verb) and pronoun.
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City ... view?"
27.) GUBMINT - (noun) - A bureaucratic institution.
Usage: "Them gubmint boys shore is ignert."
Wednesday, September 6
Tuesday, September 5
Easy Klingon Phrases - for everyday use!
qa'pla - success (usually used as a toast, preferable with blood wine)
Gaagh - bloodworm stew
nuq'neh - greeting among peers (literally, what do you want?)
bortaS bir jablu'DI'reh QaQqu'nay - Revenge is a dish best served cold
luq - ok I will
jiH - I, me
Qong - sleep
tera'ngan SoH - I am Terran
Practise is the key to mastering any language. Have fun!
Gaagh - bloodworm stew
nuq'neh - greeting among peers (literally, what do you want?)
bortaS bir jablu'DI'reh QaQqu'nay - Revenge is a dish best served cold
luq - ok I will
jiH - I, me
Qong - sleep
tera'ngan SoH - I am Terran
Practise is the key to mastering any language. Have fun!
Monday, September 4
Goodbye Steve
One of my heroes, Steve Irwin, also known as the Crocodile Hunter died today. He was 44.
He died exactly how we all thought he would go - by the venom of one of the wid anumals he loved so much. It was a sting ray that took down the man who for years have shown us what fearless means.
Goodbye Steve. God Bless you. You will be missed.
He died exactly how we all thought he would go - by the venom of one of the wid anumals he loved so much. It was a sting ray that took down the man who for years have shown us what fearless means.
Goodbye Steve. God Bless you. You will be missed.
Sunday, September 3
Comex 06
Computer Expos are mad. And Comex is no exception. On the first day of the show, the carparks were full by 3. The show only opened at 12. And that's on a working day, when you would think most people would have better things to do. Who knew?
After 3 9-hour days at the Canon laser printer booth, there are some things I can say without engaging my brain now.
"We offer a one year onsite warranty, but only during the show!"
"$50 NTUC vouchers, if you buy during the show"
"Canon OEMs for a lot of brands, so who would you rather buy from?"
Now, if I had a $1 for everytime I said one of those lines, It would pay for my dinner at Brazil.
The highlight of the show for me is, I got to meet one of my childhood heroes. Those of you born before 1985 might remember V Sundramoorthy, our own celebrity footballer (besides Fandi lah). Well, he came early on Friday with one of his friends, and I got a chance to talk to him! Of course I didn't go on and on about what a fan I was (that will be so uncool), but I think I did stare and drool a bit.
Comex visitors really do come in all shapes and sizes. My favourites (NOT) are the couples who bring 4 children, 2 strollers and a maid carrying 3 bags. They park all the paraphenalia in front of the printers, while they hold hands and study specs together. This means of course that noone else can come look at the printers and the darn kids are stickyfying everything with their snot and saliva.
Then there are the "better-than-you" Indian expats who are all computer geniuses or some mess, and of course cannot ask an Indian woman for technical specs. What will that do to their self respect? Even if she is trained Canon staff. Damn asses.
The nicest people are of course the polite NUS and NTU hostelites, who need color laser printers to print out assignments and notes. All the tuition fees and no computer labs, poor buggers. So what if the running cost of that machine runs to at least a grand a year? Daddy can pay what.
But the deals at the show are the real thing. Some of the price slashing is just ridiculous and certainly worth braving the crowds.
Next show is Sitex in December. Gear up, its gonna be a short 3 months.
After 3 9-hour days at the Canon laser printer booth, there are some things I can say without engaging my brain now.
"We offer a one year onsite warranty, but only during the show!"
"$50 NTUC vouchers, if you buy during the show"
"Canon OEMs for a lot of brands, so who would you rather buy from?"
Now, if I had a $1 for everytime I said one of those lines, It would pay for my dinner at Brazil.
The highlight of the show for me is, I got to meet one of my childhood heroes. Those of you born before 1985 might remember V Sundramoorthy, our own celebrity footballer (besides Fandi lah). Well, he came early on Friday with one of his friends, and I got a chance to talk to him! Of course I didn't go on and on about what a fan I was (that will be so uncool), but I think I did stare and drool a bit.
Comex visitors really do come in all shapes and sizes. My favourites (NOT) are the couples who bring 4 children, 2 strollers and a maid carrying 3 bags. They park all the paraphenalia in front of the printers, while they hold hands and study specs together. This means of course that noone else can come look at the printers and the darn kids are stickyfying everything with their snot and saliva.
Then there are the "better-than-you" Indian expats who are all computer geniuses or some mess, and of course cannot ask an Indian woman for technical specs. What will that do to their self respect? Even if she is trained Canon staff. Damn asses.
The nicest people are of course the polite NUS and NTU hostelites, who need color laser printers to print out assignments and notes. All the tuition fees and no computer labs, poor buggers. So what if the running cost of that machine runs to at least a grand a year? Daddy can pay what.
But the deals at the show are the real thing. Some of the price slashing is just ridiculous and certainly worth braving the crowds.
Next show is Sitex in December. Gear up, its gonna be a short 3 months.
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